Having had a terribly frustrating day in which nothing worked out as intended or otherwise produced negative outcomes, I called up by buddy, P2. I decided that I was ready to try my hand at playfully exploring social events in which I anticipated considerable social anxiety. We decided to attend a gathering that, though nearby, I had been avoiding for a variety of reasons since my difficult breakup.

Upon arrival to the location, I was immediately subjected to the extreme condescension of an AMOG who knew of by ex’s betrayal. I felt the rage that has landed me behind bars well up inside me. P2, intimately knowing of my past, ran successful interference as we walked and, when the three of us approached the entrance, I looked him in the eye and simply stated, “Let me show you how this [door] works?” as I opened it for him. AMOG appeared irritated, and walked quickly inside and away from me as P2 extinguished his cigarette.

Entering the building, I felt the pangs of heartbreak briefly shoot through me for the first time in weeks. However, this lasted only until I saw a cute little HB7 that I had not seen since I moved away more than a year ago. We had never really spoken more than a few words prior to this night, but I had always considered her quite attractive, and a bit of an impressive local talent.

She was sitting at a table, and the formal proceedings of the gathering had already begun, so I was unable to make immediate use of the 3sec rule. I became quite self-conscious as I entered, as about 50 or so people observed me enter the room that I then had to traverse to take the only available seats. I tried to focus on my body language, walking turning into more of a stroll as I entered the gathering area. I was uncertain where to direct my gaze, but just smiled and casually surveyed the room to spot several attractive women, as well as several previously despised AMOGs. Halfway through my survey of these folks, I discovered HB7 was smiling and looking directly at me. I smiled back, and took my seat.

During the gathering’s formal proceedings, many new faces and old faces looked at me with puzzled expressions as several “grand poobah’s” of this gathering took note of my presence, greeting me with nods, and even a couple walk-across-the-room handshakes which disturbed the proceedings slightly. I encouraged the second hand-shaker to take a seat. I then turned back to face the proceedings, and watched HB7 quickly look away. “Interesting,” I thought, “Was I just social proofed as a leader of men?” I leaned back, sipped my coffee, and mused to P2 about the insanity of the proceedings. It was a whole new way of experiencing something I had been through a thousand times. I felt playful and fun for once, and I smiled throughout its duration. I caught a rocker HB7 staring at one point, and a young, likely underage, girl eyed me throughout while whispering to a guy sitting next to her. Normally, under this circumstance and situation, I would have become fairly paranoid regarding precisely why these two women were staring at me, but this time… I did not care. I only cared that they seemed to be giving me attention.

After the gathering’s formal proceedings had concluded, I felt an incredible weight had been lifted. When everyone stood to leave at the end, I remained seated and observing all occurring before me as never before. I felt awake in the room for the first time in years.

HB7 was standing with her back turned, about 10-15 feet from me, conversing in a mixed 3-set. Without thinking, I stood, and began to walk to them; Determined to make an approach. However, as I did so, she, too, turned and began walking in my direction!

HB7: Xapp! When did you get back into town?
Xapp: I got back in late-August.
HB7: Really? I haven’t… wait… have I? Have I seen you? I’ve been so busy with the CD release.
Xapp: I don’t think so. I actually saw you out at X event, but I was on my way to meet someone, so I was stoked when I saw you were here tonight.
HB7: Yeah, you’re one of the last people I expected to see come walking in the door here at Z location.
Xapp: Oh yeah? Why’s that?
HB7: You know, AMOGs are all here, and HB8.5 is here.
Xapp (laughing): They seem pretty uncomfortable. (conspiratorial tone) Watch this, HB8.5 is too afraid to even look at me.

Now, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but I could care less about HB8.5 and her circle. I burned those bridges weeks ago. So, I shoulder up to HB7, putting my right arm behind her, and my hand gently on the small of her back to turn her in the direction of HB8.5 who running an all-female 4-set on the other side of the room. I leave my hand there on her lower back, and, in as friendly a tone as possible project across the room, “HB8.5! I haven’t seen you since the fireworks!” HB8.5 turns, sees that it’s me, turns ghost white, waves, and says, “Hey Xapp! Glad you could make it tonight,” before turning back to her friends.

HB7 and I laugh to ourselves, and I realize that I’m still touching her. Then I get nervous. I pull my hand away, and she turns to face me again. I started wondering if maybe I’m not ready for all this. Yet, it felt fun to be playing like this.

HB7 (playfully pushing on my in the chest): You’re bad.
Xapp: No, no, no. I’m happy, joyous, and free!
HB7 (laughing): Yeah, you’re taking pleasure in invading their safe-haven.
Xapp: Theirs?
HB7 (laughing): Okay, okay, it’s a free country, right? It’s just as much yours as it is theirs.
Xapp: Damn straight.
HB7: So, what are your plans?

And right then, I realized that AMOG from before the proceedings was next to me, repeatedly saying, “Dude.” I raised my eyebrows at HB7 and she shrugged. My heartrate increased, and I considered the irrational possibility of a physical altercation ensuing. Then, I turned to look at AMOG, and realized he was shoving a table toward me.

AMOG: WTF?! Can you help me move this table, bro?!
Xapp: Well, we’re kinda in the middle of a conversation here, but I usually willing to help.
AMOG: I know you’re in the middle of a conversation, but I need you to help me move this table.

I looked at HB7 who appeared concerned by the hostile tone coming from AMOG, and I stated, “Sometimes quickly sometimes slowly.” She laughed, and I started to lift the end of the table.

AMOG: Dude! I don’t need your help lifting the table, I just want you to get the fuck out of the way!

At this point, HB7 and I simultaneously turn to look behind us, and realize that we are standing directly in front of several other tables already put away.

HB7: OMG, we’re totally in the way.
Xapp (pulling HB7 by the arm while moving out of the way): No worries.
AMOG (intentionally bumping me with his shoulder as he moves past with the table): Thank you, fuck.
Xapp: Hey, man, you’re cool, I’m a little distracted. You need to be real specific in asking me what you need from me.

HB7 winks to me. AMOG slouches away.

Xapp: Anyway, I’m about to finish, so I’m lookin’ at post-docs in NYC and Seattle.
HB7: Really. Not back to Cali?
P2 (arriving): Hey, you ready to head out?
Xapp: Yeah, listen, it was good to see you, HB7. You goin’ to X concert for the Y benefit?
HB7: So sad. I couldn’t believe it when UG told me. I’m having some people over before we head down, you wanna come by?
Xapp: I have a consultation that afternoon until six, but maybe we can figure something out before then.
HB7: You on MySpace?
Xapp: Yeah.
HB7: I’m blahblahblah on there. Hit me up.
Xapp: Cool.

Review: I don’t know why I’m writing these things. I certainly wouldn’t post them on ASF. I’m less than green, and it’s not like I’m even sarging or really even making approaches. I have no material to speak of, but three weeks ago I was unable to order from the barista at Starbucks, because she wanted to know my name for the cup and I couldn’t remember. All I thought about was my ex-cheating and how devastating self-pity can be. Anyhow, I guess this is more of a journal for me than anyone else.

This AMOG guy scared me. But, I did not react. I was worried about acting out, but tried to remain unaffected. I seem to have two extremes in dealing with conflict with other males, passive supplication and outright violence. I was relieved when she winked, and felt like I had been successful and come out on top of the conflict. I'm finding, increasingly, that I struggle severely with fear of AMOGs more than approaching women. I envision mixed set cold approaches as highly anxiety provoking.

Twelve hours later, I had a MySpace friend request from her. No response from the message I sent her yet. Should have avoided MySpace by saying, “Yeah, but I rarely check it” or something to that effect, to move her toward offering her number since she was in pursuit. Eh. More will be revealed. Will see what happens.