Mar. 10, 2010 12:38 PM -
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- [ post comment ] Dr. Neder:How can I mentally-manage my wife’s choice of celibacy?==============================Hello!I don't know what you mean by "mentally manage celibacy", but frankly, that's not the issue at all anyway!Your wife doesn't have the right to be celibate! If she wanted celibacy, she should have never married you!If she needs celibacy for some medical reason (and it's temporary) that's one thing - and frankly, so rare that I'm not going to deal with it in this message. On any other hand, read on...When you took your vows during your wedding, you likely promised to "...forsake all others..." In other words; you promised that you wouldn't have sex with anyone else. The problem with that promise is that it's based on an assumption; another "vow" as it were: that your partner would be making sure you had the sex you needed in order to maintain the level of relationship-promise a marriage requires.You see, this is a vow just as much as forsaking all others is a vow.If your wife is now choosing celibacy - and the reason (other than as I've already stated) is totally irrelevant - then you no longer have the responsibility to live by YOUR vows either! Thus, you SHOULD NOT "mentally manage" this! In fact, you should be one damn, pissed-off guy! You’re being “cheated on” by your wife!As I've already stated, your wife does not have the right to make the decision for you or your marriage. If she's having libido problems then:1) Get her checked out by a doctor to determine why that's happening. If it's a medical issue, the doctor can help her and your problem is; for all intents, solved.2) If not medical, she needs to seek some emotional counseling to determine if her libido problems are mental/emotional instead. If so, the doctor can again help her here.3) If neither of these things, then this is a choice - and one she has no right to make. Likewise, you can't demand sex from her, but you can do this instead:Explain to her that she has a responsibility (a "promise") to you and your marriage. If she's unwilling to uphold her responsibility, then she is giving you clear and specific permission to get your sexual needs met outside the marriage.Further, she needs to understand that if; by finding this new sexual partner, you also fall in love with that person, this sham-marriage will be over and she'll have to accept that fact knowing that she created it.Don't "mentally manage" something so ridiculous as celibacy. You have rights here too if only you'll stand up for them.Best regards...------------------------------------------------------------------Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. NederAll rights reserved.
Feb. 24, 2010 11:03 AM -
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- [ post comment ] Dear Dr. NederI am hopelessly in love with a girl I met 3 years ago at a concert. She means the world to me! I’d give up the rest of my life to spend one night with her on a more than friend level.She has a Boyfriend but I truly care for her. I've tried to move on to different girls but I always end up talking to her after the end of the last relationship. She knows how I feel because I’ve told her.We’ve kissed and made-out and it was magic. She tells me if anything would happen between her and her boyfriend that she would come to me. I feel second best but I don’t care. I only wish she could feel how i feel. Every time i see a picture of them or see them together it hurts.Is there anything i can do to help make her feelings for me stronger?================================Hello!There might be, but I fear you've done far too much damage here to fix things.Think about this: 3 years. It's been 3 years and you never bothered to even learn any of the skills you needed to turn this around. You're sitting there with an unhealthy addiction to this girl rather than having lifted a finger to learn anything. Only now - 3 years later - are you seeking help.Don't you think this girl sees this? Of course she does! You've just spent the last 3 years proving to her that you're NOT the guy she wants! How are you ever going to turn that around? If you had, she'd have dumped her loser boyfriend for you in a heartbeat. To be honest, she's probably clinging to him even harder now out of fear she'd HAVE to be with you.I'm not trying to undermine your confidence here; I'm trying to get you to wake the hell up already! Women need very clear, specific things in order to feel attraction for someone. Instead of giving her these things (or even knowing what they are!) you've sat back and waited...and waited and waited for something out side to change rather than being a man and changing them yourself.Well, here it is 3 years later and NOTHING has changed other than the fact that your addiction for her has grown beyond what is reasonable and is now into cartoon-land. It's pathetic - but for you AND for this poor girl! I feel more sorry for her than I do for you because you seem like a nice guy and she'd probably be very happy being with you, if you could only show her that by doing just about everything you've done so far exactly backwards!In effect, any feelings she's had for you have probably been destroyed! What it's going to take now, you're very likely not going to do anyway! After all, you've spent the last 3 years not doing them, why should you change? This is going to be far harder than you think it will be.I know I'm not going to talk you out of this ridiculous situation, but here's what you need to do now: first start by going to my website (http://BeingAMan.com) and clicking on "self help". From there; read my FAQ's - in particular about how to turn a friend into something more. Be sure to read the articles. Also read about why boyfriends aren't your problem (actually, for you it IS your problem because you've made it one!)I also strongly suggest you read my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" and start learning what this girl (and frankly, ALL girls) need from men. Until you know these things and are able to deliver, you simply have no chance here.Best regards...------------------------------------------------------------------Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. NederAll rights reserved.
Feb. 17, 2010 1:33 PM -
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- [ post comment ] Hello Dr. Dennis,I've been dating this girl and to me it seems that she doesn't value herself enough. She does/says things that in my opinion, only a hoe, or a girl becoming one would do/say. She likes talking about sex, gets bothered if we don't, has said that it’s like a regular conversation to her, and is uncommonly for a girl, very open about sex in general.She also recently said that she has accepted that she isn't a challenge when it comes to having sex with her. The reason she mentioned that was because I had previously tried to help her see that for a girl to talk about sex so often and leave nothing to the imagination, it's not really attractive. Once in a while it is, but not all the time. I told her it’s often more attractive when it's a challenge.I honestly like her, so I guess that's why I tried to make her understand that her and I don't have to have sex all the time for me to be happy, because I like her for who she is aside from that. But I fear that maybe she isn't entirely "easy" in that sense because she wants to make me happy. I fear that she might just be a hoe or heading in that direction.She says she’s always been that way when it came to sex. So I assume it’s possible she had a low self-esteem with guys and gave it up to them to satisfy them or whatever the case was.Anyway, I don't want to ramble on for days, I'm sure you get the picture. How do I save her; so to speak? I do really like her and care about her. I've already talked to her about all this somewhat, but I want to make sure how to go about this.=========================Hello!What makes you think it's not "common" for women to talk about sex all the time? Have you ever heard a bunch of women talking to each other in real life? (Not in the movies!) Damn - they talk about sex ALL the time!This doesn't make the girl a "ho" (not a "hoe" - that's a garden tool) ;) It means she has a strong sense of her own sexuality. That's actually an incredibly good thing! You should be EXCITED about that.…Unless you don't feel that good about YOUR sexuality.Here's the reality: there's nothing to "save" here. If your sexual sensibilities are so different than hers, then she's simply not the girl for you. More to the point, you're simply not the guy for HER! In fact, her self-esteem is just great and I'll explain how I know that in a moment. It's YOU that I'm worried about here.There is nothing so fundamental or powerful than a person's sexuality. It is the basis of every other thing you are. It dictates everything from the clothes you wear to the car you drive to the friends you have to the words you choose to use.This girl has an extremely strong, HEALTHY sense of her own sexuality. Don't stifle that! Don't create stigma in her mind about it. It's not fair to inflict YOUR problems with sex on her! Whereas she has a very healthy sense of it, you see it as a threat.So much of our culture is about trying to repress people's sexuality. Do you know why? It's simple: as I've said, there is nothing more powerful or fundamental as someone's sexuality. Christianity and governments figured this out a long time ago! If you can get control over someone's sexuality - how, when and with whom they have sex - then you control and effectively "own" that person. Further, it doesn't matter HOW you control it - by redirecting it, making someone think it's dirty or wrong or repressing it altogether.This is exactly what you're trying to do with her! Instead of embracing her sexual strength and health and benefiting from it, you're trying to get me to help you undermine it.DON'T DO THAT! Focus on yourself and YOUR issues here. Start asking yourself why you have this problem with your girlfriend. Hers is the model to follow. Yours is the one to correct.Best regards...------------------------------------------------------------------Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. NederAll rights reserved.
Feb. 10, 2010 2:26 PM -
1 comments
- [ post comment ] Hey Doc,With Valentine’s Day coming up lately I have been noticing like most single guys how much this day sucks when you are well single. However due to a severe lack of self-confidence and a habit of picking the wrong type of girl I was thinking that it would be best to ask someone who has knowledge of this issue a few questions:1. How does one build up the confidence to talk to a girl that they might be interested in?2. Is there a way to at least get a small feeling that this girl might be the kind of girl that "you just know will be trouble" (ex. control freak, for lack of a better term "whore," or worst of all one who just feels sorry for you)?3. Finally would there be anything else you would add to help me find someone who would at least give me the time of day (I'm not the most attractive guy in the world so I need every trick I can get)?=========================Hello!Frankly, V-Day sucks when you're in a relationship or married too, but I digress.To your questions:1) Lack of confidence isn't a condition - it's a passing event and that's exactly how you need to think about it. Consider this: when you're sitting around having dinner with mom and dad, do you lack confidence? What about when you're hanging out with your buddies. Do you feel unconfident then?Of course not.The reason you think you lack confidence is actually pretty simple: you actually lack education. That's a very different thing than lacking confidence wouldn't you say? More important, it gives you a direction; a plan, because once you gain that education, you're problems with confidence are going to be all but over!Think about this. Let's say that you knew exactly what to say and what to do when you were around beautiful women. You would no longer have to worry about coming off as insecure of lacking confidence because you'd already have the answers. Isn't that a very different way to live than what you've experienced up until now?So, the answer to your question is simple: gain education, turn that into experience and you'll lose the problems with confidence; pure and simple.2) Absolutely there is! I talk a lot about how to spot different "female conditions" in my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II". Most important however isn't avoiding these types of women at all; it's seeking out the ones that fit your goals.Let's consider that point for a moment.If you're spending your time trying to avoid certain women, you're actually missing all the great ones that are coming around you. Your mind can only focus on one thought at a time. You need to be focusing on exactly the type of women you want to attract rather than those you want to avoid. In order to do this however, you need a clear plan; a road map to follow. This comes from creating clear, specific relationship goals. If you don't have these, then the first woman that walks by is the "right one" simply because she fits your LACK of planning. Thus, your concern about avoiding the wrong women - it actually fits in perfectly with your (lack of a) plan!3) Your looks have almost nothing to do with your success with women. That is another waste of energy to think so. My own research and that done by countless others continues to bear this out. Women rate other things as far, far more important than your looks! In fact, do you know where women place it in the order of importance? Number 8! Get that - 8! There are seven things that are MORE important than how you look!It's those 7 things you need to be focusing on, not the 8th most important thing! So, what are those 7 things that are more important? Simple: 1) power, 2) confidence, 3) sense of humor, 4) "genuiness" 5) masculinity, 6) conversation skills, 7) style.Every single one of those things are elements you can work on and improve easily, but again, it takes a concerted effort and a road map to get there.I strongly encourage you to gain all of these things - and to learn how women REALLY think, speak and act rather than trying to impose your own beliefs on them and think that's going to help make you successful with them. It won't. Go take a look at my books. They are geared toward getting you to all of these things in the most direct and straightest path possible.Best regards...------------------------------------------------------------------Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. NederAll rights reserved.
Feb. 3, 2010 1:15 PM -
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- [ post comment ] So here's the thing, I've been dating this girl for a while now. She's the type that seems like crave attention from other men, so she likes going out to clubs, parties etc. She also likes interacting with men online, flirting and things like that. I can't say I like the way she interacts and conducts herself around other men. I've noticed that she's also territorial. She gets very jealous if she thinks I'm out partying, hanging out with other women, talking to women online etc. Basically if I do anything she does, she'd get jealous. She's pretty much selfish in that sense and admits it. The thing is, she says she doesn't want to be in a relationship at the moment. She says that they never work out for her, and that it seems that as soon as she makes her relationships official, they start to go downhill. Kind of superstitious I guess. But then again, she doesn't want to just "fool/mess around" with me because she doesn't want to "share" me with other women. Again, selfish.So basically, we're somewhere in the middle I guess. Honestly Doc, I can't say I trust her. To me it seems like she would be happy if she could have me and other men without me knowing or having a problem with it. She just seems like one of those girls that love to roam, and run wild and free.Anyway, I've noticed that my insecurities are growing. I tend to kind of check on certain things she does because in the back of my mind, I'm thinking there’s a chance she’s "playing" me. I know this isn't good. The more I do it, the weaker I'll become. But the thing is, she's not exactly the overly affectionate/expressive type, and with her being the type that likes to be around men and craves their attention, I end up second guessing how she might feel about me at any given moment which causes me to ask her questions and confront her about certain things I dislike. I know none of this is good, and this is why I'm here.I want to be able to have the control to pretty much not care what she’s doing, and not be tempted to ask her questions about how she feels. I know that a self-confident, secure guy who doesn't complain is obviously more attractive. It's always been a difficult thing for me once I've gotten a bit attached to the girl. So I was hoping you could maybe give me a few pointers on how to deal with this situation and turn the tables on her so that she could be the one stressing out, wondering, asking me questions, getting jealous etc. Yet I don't want to push her completely away. I just want to have complete control if you get what I'm saying.===============Hello!I can't say you SHOULD like the way she deals with other men either! In fact, it's damn disrespectful to you and your relationship!Why in the hell are you being such a pussy about this? She doesn't want YOU to have a life or any fun but she won't give you what you want either. Don't you see the problem here? She can only do this if you LET her do it! Further, she only does it because you do let her get away with it! She's not the problem my brother; YOU are the problem.OF COURSE your insecurities are growing! What else can they do? You apparently don't want to man-up and tell this girl the facts. Instead, you'd rather act like a scared little boy; fearful of losing her, than to demand what you deserve - and feel comfortable walking if you don't get it.What you aren't seeing is this: it's exactly BECAUSE you won't stand up for yourself that she doesn't want anything real with you! No woman is going to invest herself in some guy that she doesn't feel safe and secure with. If you don't know your worth or value, how will she even know it?Even your goal is wrong here. You're hoping to discover some technique to not care what she does or says. That's exactly the opposite of what you should be doing. Instead, you should hold her responsible for it - and tell her in absolute terms that HER actions are causing YOU to go find someone smarter than she is!You're wrong also about what a confident, secure guy would do. I'm one of those (and just as arrogant too! ;), so here's what I'd do:I'd tell this girl this: "Go out and eat hamburger if you want. I'm looking for a girl that likes steak and I've decided I'm going to find her. If you ever develop a taste for it, let me know, but so far, you haven't."Then, I'd be in the arms of the next pretty girl I saw - with her watching me. If she's this jaded, I might even get her to help me meet this girl! I've done this more than once. Any girl that won't commit to me becomes the vehicle by which I meet such a girl. Yes, they hate that, but I deserve better treatment! I've actually asked girls that told me they weren't looking for "...a relationship right now..." to introduce me to someone else at the bar!Now, do you think that doesn't get these girl's competitive juices flowing? Do you think that doesn't make me a prize in their eyes? If you think any of these things, you're mistaken my friend. In fact, it does all these things.What you do is to give away all your power to the girl because you're attracted to her. It's that very power she needs to see in order to feel attraction back. She neither wants it from you nor can use it when you give it to her. It's yours to keep, but you have to decide once and for all that you're worth more than you're getting. Until you make this simple decision, you're not worthy of it - and she knows it which is exactly why she treats you this way.You don't get "complete control" by backing away. You get control by taking it.Best regards...------------------------------------------------------------------Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. NederAll rights reserved.
Jan. 6, 2010 11:37 AM -
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- [ post comment ] Hello Dr. Dennis: I AM CONFUSED! I have been trying to figure this out myself but I could not. The issue is: I have a girlfriend who claimed that she loved me. She has another guy that she says is just a friend. Recently, she mistakenly told me that she cooks for the guy, and they eat together. Even sometime alone in his room together .The guy give her things, like money, gifts, etc. Please I need your help on this. This girl has lied to me on several occasions. Could she be playing me this time? I tried to persuade her to tell me the truth, she maintained that they are just friends. Is it possible for them to get to that extent with any sexual relationship? The girl did not want me to leave her. Please, could it be because of all the promises I have made for her. I am too nice to her because she is my first girlfriend. She has been in relationships that involved sex three different times. Please I need your advice. I do not want this girl to destroy my perception of love. Thank you. ================================= Hello! Yes, you're being played. If this were just a "friend" why aren't you invited when he's there and introduced as her "boyfriend"? Yes, there's a reason. I don't care what name she calls this guy "friend", "acquaintance", "muscle of love" or whatever. NEVER take what any woman tells you. ALWAYS look at the actions by themselves. Yes, you are far too nice a guy by putting up with all of this - and that's exactly why she has this other guy in her life. She's hedging her bet until she can find what she's really looking for. She's hoping he can be that guy so she can dump you. This isn't about trust which she's going to try to make it. She'll tell you that you don't trust her and how can you do that and she never did anything, and she'll start crying and ... Blah, blah, blah... You need to understand that this is pure misdirection. By trying to make YOU the bad guy she still gets to take advantage of you until you get it figured out. Being such a nice guy, she's also right in believing that you won't get it figured out! She has no idea that there's someone like me that'll set you straight. Again, this isn't about trust - it's about respect. Think about this: is it respectful for her to be entertaining this other guy by herself at her place without her boyfriend there? Is it respectful to you OR the relationship - nope and nope! Think about how that looks to me and everyone else out there. You look like an idiot - and she doesn't care! She's taking advantage of your naiveté and lack of experience - and throwing it in your face to selfishly have another option until she figures out what to do with you - or this other guy sweeps her off her feet and she simply dumps you. You need to put your foot down and tell her that you're not going to be mistreated and shit all over like this. She does NOT entertain men at her place without you there or you simply won't ever be there again. As I said, it's damn disrespectful and humiliating for her to take advantage of you and your "nice-guy attitude" like this. First, stop being the nice, understanding, trusting, caring guy! Then, go get your balls back from her purse and stand up and be the man here! Yes, this *IS* your first relationship - YOUR relationship - and you need to treat it like yours, not hers. Best regards...------------------------------------------------------------------Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).Copyright (c) 2010, Dr. Dennis W. NederAll rights reserved.
Dec. 30, 2009 1:53 PM -
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- [ post comment ] Doc:I was with my girlfriend for 9 weeks before we split on Christmas day! Everything was perfect we loved each other had talked about holiday and kids and even where we were going to get married and moving in together but the problem I had was I never thought I was good enough for her so I lied to her about my financial position saying I had a lot more money than I had. When I first met her I had my own business and was earning good money so was in a position where I could give her everything, then when my business closed I was in a tight financial position and couldn't really afford to carry on the way I was, but continued regardless as I thought if she knew the truth then she wouldn't want me....regardless of how many times she told me she was with me for me and not what I did or could do for her. I just didn't feel good enough.Then, Christmas day we had a petty argument and her sister told her all the things she had heard about me, from my financial situation, to why I left my previous job. The problem I have is the town I live in is very bad for gossip and rumors and everyone knows everyone. She obviously believed her sister and I have only recently been able to talk to her and explain my side of the story. I told her all about my financial situation and the real reason I left my previous job and everything else she asked me I was completely honest about. She was upset I had lied to her and had given me opportunities to come clean in the past but I didn't as I was scared I would lose her, as I couldn't give her everything and treat her how she deserved to be treated.I made sure everything she wanted to do we did, if she wanted to go out for a meal we went, everything, even down to she had no money to buy her daughter Christmas presents so I gave her money to buy them. I treated her daughter as though she was my own and loved them both unbelievably; they have every part of me.I only did what I did because I never thought I was good enough for her and thought I was out of her league. I have told her all this but she has contacted both my ex and someone I deemed to be a friend who has further stoked the fire, with their own version of events.I cannot live without her and don't know what to do, I suggested us going away for a few days so I could show her how sorry I was and how much I am willing to do to show her I will never lie or hurt her again.I don't know what to do as I just want her and her daughter back in my lifePlease help me - thank you===========================Hello!Ok, it's official. This day will now forever be known as the "3 D's": the "Day of the Delusional Dude". You're the 4th Delusional Dude I've answered so far this morning!So, where should I begin pointing out all the delusional things you've done (and are doing) here? Well, I'll just list a few:* That you're not good enough for her* That she's together with you for anything OTHER than what you can give her* That you have at least one friend (the one that stoked the fire) - no "friend" there!* That you "lied" to her* That you can't live without this idiot..and probably 100 other things I didn't mention or don't even know about!Dude! You need to wake up here. You have financial issues going on and her reaction is to dump you? Don't you see what's going on? A real girlfriend would stand by you and be part of your team. This one is only with you when things are good.Further, this isn't about lying at all! Do you honestly think she hasn't lied to you?? I don't even know this girl and I can assure you that's the case; not the least of which is that she didn't care about your financial situation. In fact, she care 100% because as soon as she learned it was an issue, she bolted! What does THAT tell you?Now, she's punishing you and trying to make THAT the issue when in fact, she just realized that the gift train isn't stopping at her house anymore! She's actually punishing you for having financial problems! Don't you get it???It's obvious that you and the daughter have grown close and she doesn't even care enough about her own daughter to try to work things out with you (as though there's anything to work out - other than her own selfish, self-centeredness!) She figures it's entirely ok now that Christmas is over because she got what she wanted all along. I'll bet she still went home with all the gifts you bought her and the kid, didn't she?Man, it's time to wake the hell up and smell the cat shit because you're sleeping in it.Here's even more reality: EVERYONE (and I do mean EVERYONE) lies. She's a huge liar but wants to hold YOU to some standard that even she can't meet. You see, this isn't about you lying at all. That's only the convenient excuse. It's about her being a selfish, spoiled little bitch. Oh, and by the way - you certainly helped her with this. I'm not putting all the blame on her at all!Here's the bottom line: any girl that doesn't have your back when you have problems; any girl that doesn't make it her responsibility to support you when you have needs; any girl that wants to try to make you carry all the burden, be "totally and completely honest" when she, herself could never be; any girl that actually thinks it's ok to punish you like she's your mommy; any girl that listens to all these outside voices but ignores the most important one - yours - is a LOSER. She deserves the trailer park lifestyle she's building for herself.YOU on the other hand need to get a handle on your own self-image! What makes you think you're in any way below such a bitch??? Where is YOUR self-esteem? Where is YOUR head? You were the prize here - absolutely not her!YOU; however, are delusional to think that you've lost anything. In fact, you haven't. You've clarified exactly where this "all-in-it-for-me" piece of human waste is. Now, you get to enter the New Year with yourself intact - and not be stuck chasing someone that isn't worth walking 10 feet behind you.Let her go and make the New Year the time you get this waste of energy, low self-esteem problem you have fixed once and for all. The girl you're with doesn't define you. Only you can do that; but she sure can weigh you down. Cast off this anchor and set sail already. New Year = new chances to become who you need to become.Best regards...------------------------------------------------------------------Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. NederAll rights reserved.
Dec. 23, 2009 12:42 PM -
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- [ post comment ] Hey Doc:I’ve read your books and read your column every week. I can’t tell you how you’ve change my life! But, I had a question for you that I haven’t seen you write about before: what do you do when your girl gives too much?She cooks for me every chance she gets, she does my laundry, she makes the bed, does the dishes and cleans up my apartment. She helps me organize my calendar (I’m an attorney with a very active case load) and even helps me organize my files. Sometimes she brings me lunch at the office.She doesn’t ask for much in return! I take her out on nice dates and we spend quality time together. I’ve taken her car to get it fixed, taken us on some nice vacations and bought her some nice jewelry for her birthday, and she appreciates it all, but I can’t get over the fact that she seems to match everything I do for her!Here’s what I mean: I love my girlfriend and she loves me, she’s beautiful, smart, sexy – in short, everything I’ve ever wanted in a girl. Sounds perfect, right? The problem is that I can’t let go and feel good about all the things she does for me. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s true!How can I get over this feeling and just accept what she does for me?=========================================Hello!My first concern is that you may not feel worthy of her. As you said, she’s beautiful, smart, sex and “everything [you’ve] ever wanted in a girl”. That sounds like a great thing on the surface, but could it be possible that you don’t believe you deserve all of this?Many guys strive for having someone like this in their lives only to sabotage it all out of insecurity or the belief that they don’t deserve it. That may be where you are now.Keep in mind that it’s not really about what she does for you. In fact, that’s her way of telling you how much she cares for you. The far more common letter I get is where a woman simply expects and demands without any contribution or investment on her own. I hear such stupid things as “Well, he’s getting ME!” (as though this clueless bitch was some prize!) only to hear again after a few months that the guy dumped her lazy, self-entitled ass!You need to start by seeing this through her eyes. Women that are in love show how they feel by investing in their boyfriends in the ways that are most important to them. For instance, your girlfriend knows how busy you are and wants to help ease that burden a little by contributing to your lifestyle.Many guys are suspect about this. They believe that the girl is leading them somewhere – and sometimes that’s true. On the other hand, many girls simply want to build the life between themselves and the man they love. This is how many women express their good feelings for their partners. Stop thinking of this as a selfish thing on your part, but instead as a chance to let your girl give you her love in her own way.The bottom line is this: relationships are not built on a balance sheet, but in fact, both people have to contribute in the ways that they can to help things continue to grow and prosper. Don’t try to match; or worse, out-match her on the giving part. That’s not what this is about. Let her show you her love in her own way and you continue to show her yours in your own way. Don’t feel guilty about it – feel empowered by it and know that these are nothing more than pure, unselfish acts of love.Best regards...------------------------------------------------------------------Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. NederAll rights reserved.
Dec. 16, 2009 12:17 PM -
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- [ post comment ] Hi there,OK I need your opinion but in order to get that I'll tell you my story.In December of 2007 I met a girl at a cafe, asked her out and we began dating. At that time I was not aware that she was here on a holiday visa. She spoke little English being of Asian descent. Eventually our relationship turned serious as we began to see more and more of each other. At this stage she had changed her visa from holiday to student to study English so she could better her chances of being able to speak it. She found it harder than most.In 2009, February, she had to go back as her father was ill, dying. On her return she was stopped by New Zealand immigration and interviewed. It was revealed that she didn't know that the person who put her Visa together had done it the wrong way and not through the proper channels and she was asked for $15,000 from that contact. I then requested a copy of transcript at the New Zealand immigration interview to see a way out or forward and eventually had no luck with the first law firm. I've since found another who has been helpful and we've tried to refute the concerns but the case manager again denied her entry under the holiday premise as the case manager was of the belief that she wanted to come to NZ to continue her relationship with me and that she would be likely to breach the conditions again.It’s hard to apply under the partnership category as they want to see a couple living together for a year or a few months which we were not at the stage of. It is not easy for me to move to Shanghai to meet that requirement.It is heart breaking as she is upset as am I but how can we get through this, any suggestions even positive moral supportive one's would help me. I guess I'm just seeking a different opinion or something that may help me go forward as I feel like I'm carrying this weight on my shoulder, its heavy. =======================Hello!If you only want a positive pat on the back to make you feel better, you've come to the wrong guy. My job (as I've defined it) is to give you reality, not try to blow smoke up your ass. That's not what I do, so if that's what you need, this is where you should stop reading and go ask someone else. You probably won't get any better an answer (unless they happen to know New Zealand immigration law - which I don't) but they may help make you feel better.First of all, you're going to have to accept this fact: long-distance relationships ("LDR's") NEVER work out! There are 1001 reasons why that's true, but trust me, it is. I've already answered 3 such questions so far this morning about 20 so far this week.They are fraught with all sorts of problems; jealousy, trust issues, frustration, expense and so much more that I will tell you this straight up: DO NOT believe you are going to buck the odds. You won't. If she can't be there with you and you can't be with her in Shanghai, this is simply never going to work - no matter how much you want it to or how hard you work or how much you promise each other it will. All you're going to do is prolong the inevitable and finally wind up as enemies; each hurting because of all of this.Further, consider how many incredible women there are right there in your own backyard! You obviously know how to approach them (as you did with this girl - congratulations on that by the way) and as such, they are all available to you. All you have to do is go and meet them.Now, on the positive side, you could continue to look for a new immigration attorney that might be able to help you, but just consider all the great women you're passing up to try to have something you're not going to have unless you can get this solved - and it looks like that's not going to happen here. In all these months, it would have if it could have.I'm sorry to deliver this bad news, but it's far better to give you reality than to try to convince you that doing the wrong thing - even for the right reason - is a good idea. I'm not that cruel.Best regards...------------------------------------------------------------------Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. NederAll rights reserved.
Dec. 2, 2009 12:43 PM -
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- [ post comment ] Dear Dr. Neder:
I just recently became involved with a fellow six years my senior. He is everything I have ever dreamt of; there is just one problem….Me!
I have always avoided the relationship scene because, frankly, I have no idea how to handle a relationship. I didn’t actually date until I was 18 and didn’t have intercourse until my third semester of college. I was sheltered most of my life so school and family was all I really knew. He and I met online and decided to become “partners” for a while. And then he let me in on his thoughts; to him… I was his girlfriend.
Even though we had no such discussion, I was happy that he liked me enough to be his girlfriend. But still, the fact that I don’t know how to keep both of us happy at the same time is weighing heavily on my mind. I grew up taking care of kids, elderly and I had lots of friends but honestly I wasn’t very social and didn’t have a female figure to teach me how to act around men. I was raised in an old fashion way really; proper, polite and feminine. And everything I have done is for other people. My whole life has been revolving around making others happy, even people I don’t know. I have been what most call the “goodie two shoes, on everyone’s side, no enemies, too nice even to mean people.” But now I have him, I want to keep him; I want to make him happy and be happy with him. But I’m afraid to loose him because I don’t know how to keep his eyes on me, to keep him interested and to keep myself from being too giving or not giving enough. To be forthright, I haven’t had too much sex in my twenty years of life, so I don’t know too much about it and I am afraid if I give into his wants and desires too much I might loose him. Then again I don’t want to hold back and leave him wanting. I don’t know if I am paranoid or if I have just cause to worry but I need a little advice. I was hoping you could help me?!
Recently he started talking about three ways. And I know its bad to spy, but he has been on the site that we met on lately, even before the talk of three-ways. He is a very giving man, the only person I have met that wants to make me happy and protect me…but could he have ulterior motives to being so sweet and nice to me? Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with me physically. People just assume that I am still a virgin because of how innocent and naive I seem, not to mention that I look innocent in certain facial features. I just don’t want to end up giving 110% all the time and getting 100% until he is bored or done. And if he is honest and does like me for who I am how do I keep him? How do I keep the relationship alive? What can I do to make ME a better person? I don’t flirt well, I’m not one of those “bible thumpers” as they call them, I’m not nice to make people like me….I just treat others how I want to be treated…but lately I don’t know who I am or what I am all about. I have no idea why I am the way I am. I just need some good advice. And I apologize if my letter is all over the place. I didn’t mean to jump from place to place. I would really appreciate your thoughts. ^_^
Thank you - take care
==================================
Hello!
You, my dear, are fucking awesome for even asking this question! Do you know how many women simply assume they know what a man wants and go about giving him that - and nothing that he REALLY wants? He is very lucky, and I'm going to show you how to make his head spin all the way around - happily.
Your background and history and lack of education have little to do with where you're going here. You're focused on the right things and that alone is going to help you in ways you can't even yet imagine. Most of the girls I talk to complain that they aren't getting what they want; never even considering their partner's needs. Instead, you realize that by giving him what he wants (and needs) you're going to get what you want and need - and you will!
Let me start with this: Your belief that giving into his "wants and desires" will cause you to lose him is simply wrong. Think about this: when he's not with you, he's out in the world of OTHER women! Do you really want him out there with his trigger cocked and ready to fire? That's not a very good plan. Instead, you want to send him out into that world completely satisfied with NO interest in anyone else. I've never seen a truly satisfied man stray from his partner.
That's lesson #1: satisfied men don't stray. More on this in a minute.
Let's talk about your fears here for a moment: all relationships (well, at least all WORTHWHILE relationships) involve the risk of being hurt. If your goal in writing to me is to prevent being hurt, I'm afraid I simply can't help you there. I'd never help you get into a relationship that was so dull and lacked risk that it wasn't worthy of your time!
You're going to have to realize that as you invest yourself in this relationship (wisely of course - you invest at the rate the relationship returns what you need, recognizing that all of them have "market fluctuations" - up and down and you ride those out) your goal can't be to avoid risk. It has to be to MANAGE the risk by helping your partner get what he wants in order to give you what you want. It really is a dance of sorts. You give to get. He gives to get. etc. You can't negotiate away that risk but the risk itself becomes part of the dance. Neither of you wants to be hurt and that is part of the key that keeps you together and moving forward.
Lesson #2: all worthwhile relationships involve risk and you simply manage it together as a team.
Regarding your "innocence": that's a fine thing and obviously something that he's attracted to. One of the downsides to being a virgin (and frankly, there are many downsides) is the lack of education in yourself. For men, sex comes somewhat naturally. Nobody is a "good love" right out of the box, but it's easier for men than it is for women. You have to learn all the things that we are pre-wired to do. One example of this is your orgasm. Women usually have to learn how to bring this about themselves before they can teach their lovers how to do it.
I hope that during your years of virginity, you were a fantastic masturbator! That's where things start for most women. Once you know what makes you pop, you can then let your partner in on the tricks you've discovered. He's not likely to know these things without you telling him. This is the value of having a rich, open, communicative sex life! Nothing should be left on the table. You both should be able to talk about everything comfortably in order to not only tell him what you want, but to discover what he wants as well.
Lesson #3: women are far more complicated sexually than men are.
With regards to the three-way; you have to start considering this first from your own perspective. There are two types of three-ways between couples: two women, one man and two men, one woman. What are your own thoughts/interests about being with another person? What about someone of your own gender? Again, this is where your own masturbation comes into play. By exploring your own fantasies on these things in a safe, open, non-judgmental way, you can begin to discover what range you bring to your relationship.
Likewise, it's just as "valid" to not have any interests here as it is to have them! Let's say that (at this time) you aren't interested in a threesome. That's fine and doesn't leave you without a way to satisfy your partner's interests. If your sex is open and healthy, you can fantasize together about these things. Porn is yet another avenue to explore this safely and without having to affect your core relationship.
I will say this about threesomes: the relationship you have (the "core relationship") has to be very solid in order to explore this lifestyle. I'd never suggest that you jump into such a thing without lots of discussion and understanding between you two.
Lesson #4: it's almost always possible to give your partner exactly what they need without having to risk your relationship to do it.
So, what do YOU want? What do YOU need? Do you even know? That's the first place to start in all of this. While it hasn't been your history to look at your own needs first, any quality relationship requires it. Until you know what you need, you can't express it to your partner openly and comfortably.
Realize that this is a step along the way to having a long, healthy and happy relationship. I say "begin with the end in mind". In other words, know your goals. Know what you want long-term and then start at the beginning to put all the pieces in place to get there.
The second step by the way is to discover what your partner wants. You're starting there instead and I suggest you go back to the beginning first. Once that's done, all you need is to spend some real time getting to know what he needs in order to have the exact relationship he wants.
The final step in the process is to simply become that woman to him. Do this, and you'll have everything you could possibly want - much of which you don't even know you want yet!
Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).
Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
Nov. 25, 2009 11:06 AM -
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- [ post comment ] Doc:I'm dating this wonderful girl, but we've been going through issues in regards to the "chase" factor. We've already professed love for each other, so it's in a deeper stage than just the chasing phase, but she says of course that she wants to feel like she's still "chasing" me, since she loses interests in guys that are, well, served on a silver platter.How do you keep her feeling as if she's chasing you, even though you're in a deeper relationship already? Considering she says if I give her too much space she'll stop caring about the relationship, it seems like just being unavailable in general may not work.Help, please.============================Hello!Yes, I know exactly how you feel. Frankly, this is a dangerous, ridiculous game! If you get too scarce (and you can't know what she considers "too scarce") she'll lose interest in you. If you get too close she loses interest in you.I think the first thing you need to ask yourself is if you really want all this drama or not. I wouldn't. I'd just go find a new girl that is smarter than this one and doesn't need the games in order to feel attracted to the guy.Here's another issue that I'd have told her if she wrote to me: the problem she's had in the past with this dumb game is that the guys that play it aren't interested in the girl at all - they are interested only in the game! When they actually get the girl, they give up on her and move on. She winds up getting hurt only because they want the game - not her.So, you see what a bad situation this is.Here's the answer to your question anyway: You have to be somewhat random with this - if it seems in any way planned (like ever week and a half) or organized, she's not only going to see right through it; again, she's going to lose interest in you.Occasionally, when she calls you and wants to hang out, have other plans. Get a hobby or some buddies that you hang with at least once a week. That's your day and is not available to her. She's going to try to get you to put those aside for her, but you can't do it! If you do, you'll have lost all this work you're doing.Likewise, plan something - like a date - and flake on her. Don't call her to cancel, simply don't show up. Then, when she calls you, don't pick up your phone. When she leaves a message, give her a day or two before you return the call and then act like nothing's wrong. When she asks you why you're mistreating her, just deny it and change the subject.Go for at least 2-3 days before you contact her and only then invite her to do something with you or even just stop by for sex and then leave again.Isn't all that rude? You bet it is! That's what this dumb girl actually thinks makes you more attractive! Like I said in the beginning: are you sure you really want all this drama?Best regards...------------------------------------------------------------------Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. NederAll rights reserved.
Nov. 11, 2009 11:25 AM -
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- [ post comment ] Hello Dr. Dennis:
I know there are lots of books out on the ‘net claiming that you can get your ex back. Do any of these books really work? What if your ex has moved on and is dating someone else?
I was dumped out of the blue. I knew in my heart that it wouldn’t work out because he is very immature and insecure and he loved to play mind games. That’s not what I really wanted to be dealing with. Part of me is fine that it’s over but the other part misses him even though it could never work out unless he grew up and dealt with his problems (he’s one of those people that believes he has no problem and that it’s always someone else).
So is their a way to get an ex back after all? If my ex has moved on do I still have a chance? Please don’t tell me to move on because I have for the most part. I have heard it all.
=========================
Hello!
Even a broken watch is right twice a day, and yes, many people DO get their ex's back - some from following the advice in some (frankly) excellent books and some on their own. Get this: some even do it by asking ME how! Go figure??!!
The reality is, there are far greater minds out there than mine and I encourage you and everyone to read as much of this writing as possible to improve your own life.
Sometimes people read my stuff and say, "Yeah, I've heard it all before". Others read it and the light bulb goes off and things change for them, for the better. That's pretty cool not because I wrote the book at all but because THEY read it and THEY changed their lives.
Yes, you can get your ex back. The real question you should be asking however is "should you?"
Nature plays this glorious trick on each of us. When we break up with someone, we're angry and hurt and we have this flood of negative emotions. However, over time, we forget all of that pain and only remember the good, happy times. This is the most dangerous thing there is in rekindling any relationship!
The reason is that, if you actually get the relationship back, soon all the old problems come rushing right back because we never fixed them in the first place.
This really IS a situation of being careful what you ask for!
Take a look at your opinion of your ex! Frankly, it's pretty far from flattering! Do you really want that back in your life? Do you really think all that was healthy or in some way beneficial to either of you? I don't.
Yes, even when someone is with someone else, it's entirely possible to get them back in your life as your boy/girlfriend. For the purposes of this message, I'll simplify the steps, (the 6 "R's") because I think that once you really give it some thought, you're going to decide this isn't the best way for you to go:
1) Reconnect. Use some reason or excuse like a holiday, event, birthday or "I was just cleaning out my phone numbers..." to contact this person. Messaging is usually ok, but the telephone is by far better.
2) Remind. Bring up a few memories of when things were good between you. Send a favorite photograph or just recount a story when you and this other person where totally connected, in love and had great, positive energy together.
3) Rekindle. Begin to rebuild those emotional (and especially sexual!) states.
4) Replace. This means both the bad memories of the past (especially the break up itself) and any new person in their lives. You do this by building new memories based on old, cherished ones.
5) Repair. You absolutely have to fix the old problems or you're going to be right back in the shit in no time! The scary part however is that the next break-up is usually far, far worse than the last one! Thus, you have to get things out into the light of day and DEAL WITH THEM. Get them fixed or they'll simply ruin what you've done so far.
6) Rebuild...the relationship itself.
That's what it takes in order to back with your ex. Do you really, really want to? Are you sure???
Best regards...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).
Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
Oct. 28, 2009 12:38 PM -
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- [ post comment ] Hello,I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 6 months now. We are in our late 20's. I think our relationship overall is good, but I have some concerns about our sex and I would appreciate your response.For our entire relationship we have had sex usually 1-2 times a day (morning and/or night). We both enjoy it, but my gf has never had an orgasm with me. I asked if she can get them masturbating alone; she said she can and it doesn't even take long for her to do it, so no problem there.I have tried many things to improve our sex for her. I have previously been reading on the subject and I believe I got the basics right: long warm-up (not going straight for her breasts/groin), not being too rough, taking our time etc.Of course I have asked her what/how she likes it and working from there also. The problem is that she either doesn't know or doesn't say very much about her desires, just some small bits of information. Usually she just says she likes all the things I do (doubtful).I have tried different kinds of fingering and oral that has lasted for over an hour. She gets aroused every time but doesn't orgasm.We have tried all kinds of different positions and while some are better than others nothing gets her off even if the act lasts over an hour after a long warm-up session.I've read that it's not my responsibility to make her get the big O, but sometimes it makes me feel like a bad partner. It also makes me enjoy sex less as a result.She thinks she maybe can't relax herself enough and not think about it when she gets close and that is the problem.First I thought that maybe she just needs time to feel more comfortable with me but it has been six months now and the problem persists.I don't know what more to do to make sex better for her. She says she doesn't mind if she doesn't get off but I don't know if she is being honest or just sensitive because she knows I have tried hard.I rarely raise the subject of her lack of orgasms because I don't want her to feel pressured.Is this really not a big deal for some women?Am I wrong for being this worried about it?What would you suggest we do?Also any free comments/advice is appreciated. Thanks in advance.================================ Hello!First of all, congratulations for being concerned about this. Many guys simply brush it off and just accept things and move on - to the chagrin of the women they're with. At least you're concerned enough to seek out an answer.Women are far, far more complicated than we guys are. In order to reproduce, the orgasm in males is a requirement. If we don't climax, there's no reproduction. However, women don't have that requirement. Thus, they have to learn how to do this - and many simply don't work on learning this.The fact that she can climax when she masturbates however is a very important key. Some women (about 10%) never learn this skill. Others learn it but never get it translated into have orgasms while having sex.Yes, your girlfriend is enjoying sex with you. She gets the attention, good feelings, closeness, bonding and other benefits, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't want the orgasm too.Here's the key: since she can orgasm while masturbating, that's where you want to start. You want to make this fun and no-pressure by the way, but for now, you're going to have to accept her giving herself an orgasm. That's perfectly ok by the way!You can do everything you're doing right now. The difference is that you direct her to masturbate when you want her to climax. Encourage her by the way. Tell her how sexy and beautiful she looks and you can even masturbate yourself if you want to. Many couples enjoy "mutual masturbation" as a regular part of their sex.The point of this is that she needs to get used to climaxing with you around. Likewise, you need to learn how she masturbates. As I said before, women are far more complicated than us guys are and that includes anatomically. Ever woman masturbates differently and you want to discover exactly what gets her off.Once she begins being comfortable masturbation - and climaxing - with you next to her, you can begin practicing doing exactly what she does in order to help get her there. Soon enough, you might even be able (depending on how she masturbates) to include it in your sex - when you're inside of her. This is more practice in climaxing when you're coupled.You might even make this a fun outing! Try hitting a sex shop together and seeing all the fun adult toys that are available. Some stimulate the clitoris, some the g-spot or vagina, some a combination of the two, etc.Don't choose a toy for her however, let HER choose it. Since she knows what works for her, she'll find just the right thing. By the way, just as women always remember their first boyfriend, their first kiss and their first sex partner, they also remember the first guy that helped them discover sex toys!Ultimately, the goal isn't to get her to learn how to climax only through sex. Only about 1/3rd of women can do this. The goal instead is to have a satisfying, fun, happy sex life in whatever form it comes in - and that definitely includes her being sexually satisfied when she's with you - not just by herself.Best regards...------------------------------------------------------------------Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. NederAll rights reserved.
Oct. 14, 2009 11:50 AM -
0 comments
- [ post comment ] Dear Dennis:
There’s this girl that I’ve liked since for 2 years. I've always made small talk with her but I’ve been too afraid to have a serious conversation with her.
We recently did a group project together with me, her, and two other guys and she seemed to talk to me a lot more than she did either of them and one of them is fairly good friends with her. I think she may be attracted to me but I’m not 100% sure and I don’t want to do or say something stupid to make her dislike me.
I need help!
She’s in a relationship but he’s joined the air force and is being shipped out this week and I’m fairly positive they’re breaking up. If they do I want to be the first one to ask her out because she’s extraordinarily beautiful and I don’t think I’ll have this chance for very long.
Please help me ASAP - PLEASE!
=========================
Hello!
Ok, so let's analyze this a little deeper:
You've been interested in this girl for about 2 years and you are too scared to pull the trigger with her until you're 100% sure that you're safe and won't get rejected if you approach her. Further, you've been waiting in line to tap her and hope that there's nobody in front of you. Also, you think because she's pretty that she's out of your league and you want me to help fix all of this for you so that you don't take any risks.
Have I about summed it all up pretty well?
What the hell??? You want life to give you different rules than all the rest of us have to deal with. Sorry, it's not going to happen. Yes, I can teach you how to approach this girl - or any girl - and get what you want, but it's not going to happen through these messages. If you really want that sort of guarantee you have a lot of work and study ahead of you.
Here's what's going to happen if you continue on this course: some other guy with enough balls to see her as a real person is going to just walk up and sweep her off her feet and you're going to go back to the end of the line. At least you won't be alone - I'm sure there'll be lots of other guys there with you - all cowards that weren't able to pull the trigger either.
If you want different options for your life, you're going to have to make different choices for yourself. You're going to have to get past the belief that you have to have 100% assurances in anything. You never get that. You're going to have to be willing to take some measured risks in order to get what you really want.
So, STOP giving this girl all this power over you! She's pretty, ok, I get it. Big deal! There are TONS and TONS of pretty girls out there. She's just one of many. "But wait Doc, she's DIFFERENT!" Yeah, I know. She's different - just like every other girl.
Until you see this clearly, you're always going to have less power than she does. The sad news about that however is that she WANTS you to have MORE power than she does! Important lesson here: women date "up", not "down".
So, most ignorant guys then go rushing off to try to impress girls. When you do that, you simply prove that you're not as powerful as she is - otherwise, why would you be working so hard? Girls see right through that one as well.
So, here's what you need to do: just go tell her that you want to get to know her better and ask her which day is better: Thursday or Friday of next week (or whenever). Be bold and direct. Don't worry about the conversation skills; you're going to learn how to solve that next.
Don't say, "Hey, er, um, do you want to go out with me?" That gives her the chance to say "no". You already have some rapport with her and she's showing you some important signs of attraction, so just assume she WANTS to go out with you and give her the choice of days. While you’re at it, get her digits too by saying, "Here, write your number down here." Don't ask her, tell her.
Next, go to my website (http://BeingAMan.com) and click on self help, then read my FAQ's. There, you'll find some important information on conversation skills.
Stop waiting for the perfect times or the perfect situations or to be 100% sure of anything. That's what losers do - and these never, ever come. Instead, go MAKE your dreams come true.
Best regards...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).
Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
Sep. 30, 2009 9:08 PM -
0 comments
- [ post comment ] Normal0falsefalsefalseMicrosoftInternetExplorer4/* Style Definitions */table.MsoNormalTable{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;mso-style-noshow:yes;mso-style-parent:"";mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;mso-para-margin:0in;mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;mso-pagination:widow-orphan;font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:#0400;mso-fareast-language:#0400;mso-bidi-language:#0400;} Doc: I have dated girls anywhere from 5'1 to 5'5 inches tall and even had girls 5'6 or 5'8 be attracted to me. The thing is though, I am 5'8 1/2, which isn’t really considered short, but is certainly not tall either. I have a solid, muscular build, am 190lbs, and I was just wondering if most women have a preference of the following: 1. Same height or taller? 2. Three inches taller than themselves 3. Five inches, or, 4. WAY taller. Put simply, no girl has ever complained about my height and I have never been turned down because of it. However, I was just wondering. I have friends that are chicks who say they prefer men as tall as them or taller, just slightly taller, and only one who says she prefers guys that are 6 feet or taller! I don’t know if you are a tall guy doc, but is what they say actually true? Personally, I think complaining about height is just making excuses. My buddy who is 5'6 gets more ass than my other one who is 6'2, and I find that confidence is almost everything. What do you think? Hello! You shouldn't be worried about your height. You're actually above average! The average height for men around the world is 5' 6". Yes, some women like tall men just like some men like tall women. It's a personal taste thing and not generally something you can say "all" or "most" women want. In fact, here's what women around the world rate as the most important and attractive attributes in men (in order of importance): 1. Power 2. Confidence 3. Sense of humor 4. Genuineness 5. Masculinity/Real Man/Alpha Male 6. Conversation Skills 7. Stylish/Fashionable 8. Looks 9. Money 10. Muscles Notice a few things: First of all, your looks (which includes your height) is down at #8 on the list! What a waste it would be if you were to focus on height and not realize what's really important, don't you agree? Second, "power" ranks as #1. What is power? Answer: it depends on what woman you ask! Some women see big guys as "powerful". Others see men that are brave or outspoken as "powerful". Others see men that are emotionally stable as "powerful". So, even that is based on preferences. When you talk to girls about how important height is, you bring it to the forefront. Yes, some women claim they like guys that are 6-feet or taller. Some claim its 5' 10" or 5' 5" or simply "taller than me" or whatever the personal preference. However, that's not the question to be asking! The question to ask is "What's MOST attractive to you in men?" That's when you come back to the list I've already given you. My mother had a great saying (she was only 4' 10" tall by the way!) She used to say: "It's not your height, but your stature that's important." Trust me; even at 4' 10" tall you never questioned her "stature". Best regards... ------------------------------------------------------------------ Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs). Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
Sep. 23, 2009 1:42 PM -
0 comments
- [ post comment ] Ok Dr., here is the background for this question:
-She and I are both in our early 20s.
-We went to high school together.
-We didn’t know each other well in high school, but were acquaintances with mutual friends.
-I started talking to her about two months ago on a whim.
-She lives far away now but makes frequent trips back here.
-Keep in mind I have not seen her in person for 3 years
-I am NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP, JUST a quick thing.
-She came back once recently and we didn’t meet up, but she is coming back next month. She said she couldn’t wait to meet up next time.
I used your “blitzkrieg technique” and talked to her one day, waited a week, talked again, waited four days, talked again, a week off, etc. She replies and asks questions back every time, HOWEVER she NEVER makes first contact.
When she was drunk she kept telling me via text (and don’t worry, we don’t text often at all) that she is "the most fun I could ever have, especially drunk." She never says she can’t wait to see me outright, but that she can’t wait to come home, which is understandable. She also gets very offended when I made the jest "are you a boringish girl?" It was almost as though she was out to prove herself as fun. She even went as far as saying "Didn’t you see my club pictures?!!”
But, here’s the big issue: she is bringing her gay friend with her when she visits!
They are visiting and I will be the one calling her to hang when she is here. But keep in mind they are not coming to see me specifically. It was more of a "Oh, your coming up for a few days to visit family? Well lets meet up!” sort of thing. They are driving and he is not from around here, so she might (and I stress MIGHT) not have a place to dump him off. I have made it clear that we will be meeting up alone on several occasions, but how can I make sure that he isn’t there doing the old block the cock thing? She has pictures of him online of them kissing and just being close, typical girl thinks gay guy is cute/adorable type thing. I think you will have much to say on this topic, can you ease my mind at all?
================
Hello!
Well, I'll say this: you've been paying attention in class!
By the way - you've been using the challenges very well to move this forward. Good job! Here's one more that you might want to try, "I've never met a [insert some attribute of her's here - "Philly", "Irish", "teacher", "Catholic", whatever] girls that knew how to kiss very well." Then, leave it at that. Challenge thrown!
Why would you be calling her to set things up only when she gets here? Why not have it all planned instead BEFORE she arrives? Get things set up so that you already have the date planned and organized.
You need to ask yourself just how "gay" this guy is! I'm getting the impression that it's not exactly 100% here. That could work against you. Here's what you have to keep in mind: HE has her full attention - not you. Thus, you need to win HIM over far more than you need to win HER over. If he's really gay and only a friend of hers, he can do far more to build you up in her mind than you could ever do!
Thus, plan on meeting him and becoming the close buddy! If you do that, he's going to help you out here. If not, he's going to block you. You should also have some place for him to go. Look around town and find a couple of gay clubs. This is a great place to take them both! He'll have lots of opportunities to meet some guys and you'll have the girl mostly to yourself.
Best regards...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).
Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
Sep. 16, 2009 12:36 PM -
0 comments
- [ post comment ] Hi!
I’ve been dating this girl for a year now, and she tells me tonight through the phone (long distance relationship) that when I approach her before sex I only approach one way and that’s climbing on top of her. She says I approach her like a horny virgin and I don’t turn her on and she gets frustrated. She doesn’t want to have sex unless she feels like having sex which is not very often.
I need to know what I’m doing wrong! I only know one move and after a year I’m only now hearing about this! I get frustrated when we don’t have sex for a long time, but I tend to not show it.
I ask her on occasion why we don’t have sex more often, and she says that I just don’t turn her on anymore.
HOW DO I TURN THIS AROUND?? How else can I approach her while lying in bed other then crawling on top of her kissing her or rolling her on top of me? We used to have amazing sex in the beginning for about 4 or 5 months but I’m loosing my masculine confident self while she points out all the things I do wrong – but nothing I can do to make it better.
Can you help me? Thank you
=======================
Hello!
This is actually an excellent question and I'm glad you've asked it. Far too many guys get into this situation and do nothing about it. You have an important lesson to learn here that's going to serve you well for the rest of your life if you really understand just a few points.
Men and women have VERY different sex drives. They are equally powerful, but you (as the guy) have to learn how a women sex is different from yours.
First of all, women don't have the same natural responses we have. We get hard and we're ready to go. Women don't work that way usually and in fact, if they do in the beginning often lose that response because of all the things we guys DON'T know and DON'T do - that they absolutely need. This is exactly where you are now.
Let me add this important point here: many guys react to this problem by throwing out the old "standards" like buying flowers and gifts, taking her to dinner, etc. These things are the actions of someone that doesn't understand the problem. They can be fine if you are CLEAR on WHY they are important, and that's the real issue - understanding the problem itself. If you know WHY the problem exists, you'll know WHAT to do about it. If you only know the WHAT'S and never learn the WHY'S, you're sunk - and women pick this right up.
Here's the fact: whereas you're ready to go as soon as you get the notion to have sex, that notion is just the very, very, very early beginnings with women. The notion just tells their brains to that maybe, possibly they might be interested in having sex. It takes a long time for their bodies to catch up. Further, they are stimulated EMOTIONALLY NOT PHYSICALLY. You need to connect and build rapport with her EACH TIME you want to have sex. For you, once you've done this with a woman, you're always ready. For women however, they need it each and every time. If it doesn't happen, they start equating sex with NOT being ready but going through the emotions. In effect, they are actually PRACTICING not being sexual with you if you do this! That habit turns into all sorts of things in women's minds including not being sexually attracted to you any more. I want you to really study what I've told you so far. You need to understand how women's minds work because they are VERY different from yours and mine.
ONLY WHEN you understand these points will what I'm about to tell you make any sense - so don't cheat yourself by rushing through trying to do all the WHAT'S I'm about to give you. Instead, understand WHY these things will work FIRST.
The very next time you see her, before you even say a single word, I want you to press her up against the wall, and kiss her softly, but passionately. Don't shove your tongue down her throat! Just kiss her softly on the lips while sandwiching her again you and the wall. Don't go for her breasts or pussy or ass - just kiss her, that's all. Let it linger for a few moments. Then, slowly pull back and say "hi" and act like nothing happened.
Next, go have a "date". Go do something fun, go have dinner, etc. Hold her hand, stroke her hair, etc. All of these indirect signals tell her that something special is going to happen later. When you're walking together, holding her hand, just stop and let her keep walking, then (carefully!) swing her around back toward you, pull her against you and kiss her again. Don't do a lot of this - a little goes a long way.
Later on when you get home, take a little while to relax and talk. Find out about her day and what she's been thinking - work on getting her to talk and open up to you. After an hour or so (yes, it takes some time!) offer to give her a back rub. Get her in bed and get some massage oil. Light some candles (scented preferably) and turn out the lights. Spend some real time letting her get into the sensual environment you're creating. Make sure you have a towel handy to wipe off the excess oil.
Then, after half an hour of the massage, dry her off and turn her over. Then, don't jump on top of her yet! Instead, spend some time making out - like you used to before you started having sex. Explore her lips and face and hair and body. Don't go right in for sex yet. Let it linger. If you do all of this right, it's going to take at least a couple of hours! Yes, I know that seems like a very long time, but the key is to understand that women build up slowly - sometimes VERY slowly! You need to give her that time! If you do this regularly, you'll find that she'll be great with quickies on occasion too.
The other thing to consider is that this is a very long time for you to wait! That means, it's going to be tough to hold off while you're doing all of this. I suggest you unload your own weapon earlier in the day so you're not so eager when you see her. Trying to do all of this with a round in the chamber is extremely difficult.
Be aware that you’re building a pattern here. It’s not that you have to do exactly this every time you want to have sex, but you need to show her consistently that you’re attentive to more than just her body. When a woman’s mind is engaged, her body naturally follows.
Best regards...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).
Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
Sep. 9, 2009 10:47 AM -
0 comments
- [ post comment ] Hey Doc:
A month ago I saw this girl at a dance party. We stared at each other for a very long time and the spark was obviously there, but I had to leave and she had friends next to her so I missed the chance to meet her.
Few days ago, I came across her profile on Facebook and guess what, we are at the same university! I sent her a friend request, explaining our early acquaintance and I told her I would be happy to take the first step for meeting her on Facebook since the chances of coming across with her and meeting her in person are very low.
She accepted my friend request without any response. Then I messaged her asking some questions about dance and her department, etc. She replied in a very friendly manner but surprisingly, she said she does not remember me! (Wow, how do you forget a person you have explicitly flirted with?)
At the same time, she left a flirtatious and funny comment under one of my photos, relating to another photo of me, which obviously made me think that she has been scanning through my profile.
After a few messages back and forth, I told her I would like to meet her in person and would like to know her better and I asked for her number. She replied "Of course, I would be glad to meet you, but you give me your number and I will message you."
I gave her my number, respecting her privacy. However, she hasn't messaged me for 2 days. I started to wonder if she is not interested although she said she would be happy to meet me.
The more surprising thing is, she keeps commenting on my status on Facebook in this 2 days period.
Is she playing games? Could you please give me an insight on what to do? Thank you.
===================
Hello!
So, you were waiting for the "perfect opportunity" to approach her and it never came. That figures - they never DO come! If you continue to wait for perfect opportunities, or even good ones without MAKING them for yourself, you're going to be one lonely guy!
Next point: OF COURSE she didn't message you! Regardless of what she said, it's not her job to move this forward, it's YOURS. You tried to give that up and put it in her hands. She's not going to call you or text you (god forbid anyway!) You could call this a "game", but it's one you've lost for lack of knowing what to do. Honestly, I can hardly blame her since you've set yourself up for all of this!
Here are some rules you'd better learn (and by the way, there are more of them than just this short list):
1) Perfect opportunities never come. Good ones rarely come.
2) You need to learn to MAKE opportunities with women because of this!
3) It's YOUR JOB to approach women - regardless of the eye contact or friends or whatever.
4) When you don't, they instantly think you're a coward.
5) Unfortunately, they are almost always right!
6) When you do approach them, you need to get DIGITS at the very least.
7) Using Facebook or technology of any kind works against you in all of this
8) Because it makes you look weak and cowardly in women's eyes.
9) When you give a woman your number is confirms weakness and cowardliness.
10) ...and for that reason alone, you're not likely to hear from this girl.
Now, your next question is: "how do I fix this?"
My answer: "You can't." How are you ever going to prove to this girl what you've been screaming at her all this time (weakness/cowardliness).
You have to work entirely from a point of powerlessness. If you contact her again via Facebook, the very best you can do is say, "Well, can we get together now? Pretty please?????"
Begging is never a good way to come off as masculine and powerful. What you should have done was to approach her when you had the chance. All of this would have been solved if you'd have just done that first. If she tried to pull that pre-test about you giving her your digits, you should have said, "Ok, no thanks. I'm only interested in girls that don't need to play that game. Obviously, if you can't give someone your phone number, you're never going to be dating anyway and I'm only interested in women that are serious and mature about these things."
If you had done that, she's have shoved her number in your hand so fast it'd make your head spin!
Best regards...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).
Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
Aug. 26, 2009 12:25 PM -
0 comments
- [ post comment ] Dear Dr. Neder:
I’m a senior in high school and there’s this really cute girl in my psych class. I want to find a way to talk to her or get her to notice me or something but I don’t know how.
Most stuff online would say to see her outside of class and just walk up and say something like, "Hey aren’t you in psych class?" but I think that just sounds stupid, awkward, and wouldn’t work at this age.
I’m not sure if I really even see her in the halls either. She doesn’t sit that close to me in class so it’s pretty hard for me to think of something.
I was wondering if you could help me with as many ideas?
Thank you very much!
============================
Hello!
What you're asking for is what so many guys ask me for - the sure, magical thing that will make her fall in love with you.
Here’s the problem: it doesn't exist. Stop searching for it - you're just wasting your time. Trust me on this: if it DID exist, I'd be out of a job.
Here's what you need: "context".
Context (or more specifically, the "context approach") is the best approach there is. You can use it anywhere with anyone. It's not magic however, but it's highly effective and will work with this girl just as well as it does with anyone else.
First off however, you've got to get over these preconceived ideas that things "don't work". They don't work based on what? Based on your decades of successful approaches? Based on your years of experience and hundreds of successful relationship examples that you've earned?
Come on here; stop looking for magic and start using the tried-and-true successes.
Here's how the context approach works:
You simply think of the answer to one question: "what do she and I have in common at this place, at this time, in this situation?"
Your answer to that question is your "context" for approaching her. You actually have tons of context already! You are in class together, you sit near each other, you have to do the same homework assignments, etc., etc., etc.
Any one of these is sufficient context to approach this girl. Keep in mind you're NOT going to make this girl fall in love with you from your approach. In fact, the more contrived your approach, the LESS she's going to be attracted to you! Girls aren't stupid. They see right though these things.
That's why the context approach is so beautiful! It doesn't give her any specific notions of what you want! You're just some cute, friendly guy that she might just want to get to know better. It's really easy and more important, she'll never see it coming.
The other aspect of the context approach is this: get the hell to it already! It doesn't get easier if you wait - it gets tougher. I want you to use this approach first thing tomorrow. Don't wait for the "perfect time" because that never comes. The "perfect time" is the time you have right now - wherever and whenever you have it.
It's time to nut-up here Alec and get the approach out of the way. You have many steps yet to go and this is only the first (and frankly, the easiest) one.
Best regards…
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).
Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
Aug. 6, 2009 6:28 PM -
0 comments
- [ post comment ] Normal0falsefalsefalseMicrosoftInternetExplorer4st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) }/* Style Definitions */table.MsoNormalTable{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;mso-style-noshow:yes;mso-style-parent:"";mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;mso-para-margin:0in;mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;mso-pagination:widow-orphan;font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:#0400;mso-fareast-language:#0400;mso-bidi-language:#0400;} In the Pittsburg, PA suburb of Bridgeville; a man, frustrated by his own lack of dating and relationship success decided to take his frustration out on an all-female dance-aerobics class. “Women just don’t like me”, he wrote in a chilling on-line diary posting. To say that the gunman had a lot of hatred built up inside of him is an understatement. The interesting part of this however, is that I see this same frustration every single day from both the men and women that write to me. Within moments of walking into that class, 3 women and the gunman lay dead and 9 others sustained injury. What is it about our current dating culture that breeds this level of anger, frustration and hatred? Why does a man whom you’d otherwise never guess had any problems with women go on a rampage and murder the very people of his desire? I didn’t have to think very long on this to find the answer. We have an entire dating culture that is breeding this very reaction. I get to see this from the inside because of the more than 30,000 letters I’ve answered from my readers and viewers in just the past few years. The shift I see happening is both amazing and terrifying. I’m seeing an entire generation of men that are more confused and lacking in basic relationship skills in just the past 5 years than in any of the years before them. That’s not to say however that men are the only ones frustrated! In fact, I hear constant laments from lonely, frustrated women every day too: “Why can’t I meet any good men?” “All the good men are either gay or taken.” “Men don’t seem to know how to be men any longer.” And, worst of all – they’re right. There was a time when men had real roll models and examples of how to be men. They knew their place in relationships and specifically, their roll with women. It’s getting rarer to find these men today and how can anyone be surprised? If you look at just about any segment of popular culture, the examples of strong masculine figures are just as rare. This isn’t to blame media exclusively for this however. We consumers are helping to promote this. We on one hand, discount the value of male influence in society while on the other consume the constant barrage of negative stereotypes. We laugh at Justin Timberlake’s obvious pain of being thrown, crotch-first, into a street poll and grin at the bumbling fool that can’t help his daughter with her homework (while mother looks on with frustrated bemusement). We support every aspect of “women empowerment” and degrade the idea of “male empowerment” as sexist. When it comes to the dating world, I’m constantly amazed at the same mistaken beliefs and techniques being used by men in order to try to be successful. I stand equally confused by the ineffective games I see women playing in the dating world that simply damage their chances at finding this happiness too. Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of this however is that so-called “experts” are actually counseling these women on doing these things or men on “just playing the game”. We are complicated emotional creatures with equally-complicated mating rituals. In fact, those rituals change from community to community, but in fact there are rules and by following those rules, we can meet with the successes we all hope to achieve. But, what if we don’t know the rules? What if the rules change and there’s no source to learn them? This is exactly what happened to the gunman in this story. He spent the last 19 years of his 48-year life living with his own frustration and eventually snapped. The result was 4 dead and 9 injured people – all of whom shared the same desire in their lives to have happy, healthy relationships. I am seeing a flood of letters from frustrated men and women today (yes, some of them directed toward me) about this very issue. “Why does it have to be this complicated?” “What’s wrong with me?” and “I’m ready to give up” are common themes. These people aren’t bad people at all, they simply lack tools or have been misguided right into their frustrations by well-meaning but equally misguided “help”. By leveling the playing field; that is, getting dating, sex and relationship information into the hands of both men and women; by reducing the frustration and need for the games, giving people new, more healthy and successful opportunities to reach their own dating and relationship goals and by empowering people to seek out this knowledge – and find it, we might help to prevent this very event from reoccurring and save the life of your own girlfriend, boyfriend, child, parent, sibling or spouse. Best regards... ------------------------------------------------------------------ Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs). Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
Aug. 5, 2009 12:19 PM -
0 comments
- [ post comment ] Dear Doc:
I've known this girl for about a year now and I like her a lot. To cut a long story short, I've lost her twice now because of my lack of confidence which stops her from seeing me as more than a friend. She knows I'm interested and we almost had something but I pushed her away because of my fear of being inexperienced with women and messing up. Now more than ever I want to put aside my fears and try to be with her but I get stuck.
I know the way she sees me changes a lot. Sometimes I'm just a friend and other times I'm more than that.
How can I get her used to seeing me as more than just her friend? Can you offer any advice on boosting one's self confidence?
==========================
Hello!
Let's begin with confidence.
Most people mistakenly believe that confidence is something you own. It's not. It's something you get for brief periods of time. I like to say that you never own confidence, but you get to rent it when you need it.
You can take the most confident person in the world and even they lack confidence at some time or another. For instance, many of the most accomplished people can't speak in front of groups - especially if they know nothing about the subject!
On the flip side, you take people with no solid skills in a particular area that can entertain a large crowd. These people have learned how to tap into confidence and turn it on and off.
You can too!
Unfortunately, there's not a single "switch" for everyone. Some people like to remember times when they felt totally and completely confident and "project" it into the current situation. Others like to listen to heavy, motivating music. Others like to see scenes that make them feel confident, etc. What's your trigger?
You can find out by thinking about times when you DID feel totally and completely confident. What was the circumstance where that happened? How to do you transfer that confidence to a particular situation? These are personal things but if you can get hold of them, you have the first key in instilling confidence.
The second (and frankly, far, far more important key) is education. Think about this: if you know exactly what to do, say or how to act in any particular situation, you instantly feel confident, don't you?
This is the most important skill I teach my students. Many come to me to learn how to approach women anywhere, any time. They also lack confidence in doing this, but by learning the techniques, they know what to do in any situation. In effect, they BUILD confidence through knowledge.
This situation with your friend is a good example of that. You don't know how to deal with her and thus, you lack confidence most of the time you are with her. Learning to read someone's body language and their communication cues are two skills that help greatly in this area.
I can't tell you how many women I've talked with (and continue to talk to every single day) that are looking for that "rock". What is a "rock"? Simple: it's the guy that can be solid when she's falling apart. It's that guy that can recognize what she needs and not necessarily give it to her, but be there to boost her up when she needs it.
This is part of a larger formula I call the "Love Formula" where you learn to instill safety and security. Frankly, very few women can resist that!
Unfortunately, you've done just the opposite with her. You've denied her safety and security! You've done that by "confessing your feelings" for instance. Why is this a bad thing? Simple: what it does is tell her in plain, clear "womanese" that you can't move things forward and that you want her to do that for you. You want her to come back and say, "Oh! Baby! I feel the same way! Please take me!"
Wouldn't it be easier if that actually worked? The problem is that it doesn't - and never has. Women don't work this way. They are looking for the guy that can move things forward and NOT make them do your work for you! That is the type of "confidence" she's looking for.
You have a lot of work ahead of you to fix this huge mistake - if you even can. You might want to consider that only 5% of friendships turn into more. That means you have a 95% likelihood of failure! Those are terrible odds.
More to the point, one of the best ways to change this is to start dating OTHER WOMEN. Why does this help? Simple: it shows that you were able to move things forward with them! We call this "social proof".
Interestingly, this may be your key with this girl, but then, if it doesn't work, who cares? You're now dating one or two or 10 other women anyway!
Best regards…
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).
Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
Jul. 30, 2009 4:20 PM -
0 comments
- [ post comment ] Hi!
I was wondering if you have to have stuff in common with the person you're dating? I was told that it doesn't matter how different you are, as long as you're happy when you're with the other person.
I'm 18 and I recently dated a guy who only cared about finding stuff we have in common. We got along really well and I really liked him, but he didn't do anything except ask me what my interests are and what my hobbies are. It was obvious that we're 2 completely different people and he said he wants to find common ground.
As time went on, he didn't want to spend a minute of his time with me because we had nothing in common, but he claims he was "busy." So I broke up with him.
I just want to know if liking each other is enough, or if we have to have the same interests? He seemed to base the whole relationship on that one aspect and I don't think that was the right thing to do because we're pretty similar, besides the fact that we have different interests and hobbies.
================
Hello!
Yes, I understand the confusion. That's because the answer is sometimes "yes" and sometimes "no".
The problem with you and this guy is that he heard somewhere that you had to have everything in common (frankly, by a totally misguided communicator - I certainly hope it wasn't some "expert" telling him this!) when in fact, you need some things, but others have to be opposite.
In fact, there are many things on both sides of the argument:
For instance, if you're heterosexual, you should probably be of opposite sexes, right? Likewise, you should probably have gender-related communication systems (yes, men and women DO speak differently for the most part).
I teach four different "communication systems" (or "models") that deal with how we communicate. Interestingly, of the four, two of them are "match models" (meaning they should be the same or similar) and the other two are "counter models" - meaning they should be opposite.
Interests are like this too! Isn't it fun to learn a new interest that someone else can teach you? Isn't it fun to teach someone else the things you like to do as well? Of course! Being totally the same in this way puts you in competition with each other. It doesn't make you "the same" since there will always be someone better at something that someone else.
This is about growth. You grow when you bring on new interests and new ways of looking at things. You stagnate when you try to stay exactly the same.
Best regards…
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).
Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
Jul. 22, 2009 11:28 AM -
0 comments
- [ post comment ] Hi Doc,
I've liked this girl for between 3-4 months. Initially when I got to know her, she was really nice and we were really close. We used to message and talk almost every day. For example, there was once when she went overseas and I told her I would miss her. She said “awww…” and that I would probably be too occupied to miss her. She also said she would catch up with me when she came back and guess what? She did.
However, this lasted only for a month. We were not as close anymore. She kept her limits with me. For example, there was once I called her “sweetie” and she told me that I better not be serious about it. Then recently I found out that she got back with her ex-boyfriend. I asked my friend to talk to her and find out whether it was true.
My friend asked her if there was any hope between me and her of being together. She hesitantly said “yes” but not now because she was with someone else. I tried to forget about her but I can’t since I really fell in love with her. I still haven’t stopped messaging her though.
Recently, she thanked me for my concern over her because she was feeling sad over her bad results at school and problems with her boyfriend.
I really want to win her from him! What should I do?
By the way we are both in the same college while that boyfriend of hers is in another.
Thanks in advance.
===============================
Hello!
Frankly, you may have totally missed your chance.
You needed to move things forward when you had the chance. This is something women do all the time. They use guys against each other. She may have been showing you all that attention in order to get her ex-boyfriend to make some kind of move, which he obviously did. Now that she has him, she doesn't need you any more.
If you had ignored all of her statements about not being too serious about things and just forged ahead - making ANY attention you had given her contingent on her reciprocating - you would have been able to turn this into something.
Instead, you sat back waiting for her to make all the moves - and she did - right into her ex-boyfriend's arms.
Now, you look weak and unsure of yourself. That is exactly the opposite of the image she needs to have of you in order to be attracted to you.
Your only hope now is to get scarce and start dating other girls. She needs to have time to miss you (if she's ever going to at all) before you might have a chance with her again. This means zero-contact. No initiating texts or calls or running into her - nothing for at least a few months. If she contacts you, short responses only like "yes" or "ok".
Distance and starting to date other girls are your only tools now.
Best regards…
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).
Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
Jul. 15, 2009 10:58 AM -
0 comments
- [ post comment ] I have conflicting thoughts about whether or not it is okay for a female to initiate the conversation with the male.
Many people that I know and even those on this board swear by the fact that it is the wrong thing to do. They say it will scare the man off or make him less interested or he'll think I'm easy or desperate.
I have read your responses on this topic and I know you support the woman approaching the man. But are most men going to be okay with this or is it just a personal preference of yours?
Also, if I decide to approach someone and I give them my number, it then becomes the man’s responsibility to call me, right? Or should I be asking for their number?
I'm so confused as to how far the boundary goes after you approach the man because I've simply never done it before and so many say not to.
Also, when do I know it is okay to approach a man? Can I do it at a store? In the park? On the street? At an amusement park? Waiting in line at the movies? Just in general when is it okay and when is it not? Is it never okay? Is it always okay? The bar type is totally not what I'm looking for and that is generally where men will try to approach me.
==============================
Hello!
Yes, I understand that you're confused. You have your sisters to thank for that. Men have never been confusing about this at all. We are very clear and specific about it. It's you girls (and many of the so-called "experts" on this board) that keep the waters murky for you.
Let's start with the approach. Yes, it's ok for you to approach and initiate a conversation with a man. Not only is it a new millennium and women have all sorts of new rules and options; you also have all sorts of additional tricks to approach men that even us guys don't have! Further, they are easy, fun and highly effective!
Next, the only people that think a woman approaching a man is "desperate" or "easy" is other women. It's a battle you have within yourselves - men simply don't think that way - trust me; I've interviewed over 10,000 of them. Men's brains are wired differently than yours. We don't respond to the games you throw and we don't think you're easy or desperate for approaching us. In fact, most of us think you're strategic and even clever if you approach!
I was in a bar just a few nights ago when a woman approached me right out of the blue. Even now; days later, I don't believe she was desperate OR easy! She wasn't my type, but we had a nice conversation and I got to know her much better. In fact, I think very highly of her! She's a very nice girl and will be terrific for some other guy - which she's going to get because she's willing to walk up and say hello to someone. Maybe the guy she gets next will be the one you are interested in because you're too scared to go say hello to him yourself?
Yes, if you approach a guy and give him your number, it's going to be his decision to call you back - just as if he had asked you for it in the first place. Keep in mind that initiating an approach (saying "hello") doesn't mean you have to finish it either. Likewise, if a guy approaches you first, it doesn't mean that you can't finish it for him by suggesting he take your number! There are no hard-and-fast rules about any of this. I've had many women say, "You know, you need to have my number!" Then, they proceed to write it down and put it in my hands. To this very day, I don't think any of them were desperate!
You can certainly ask for his number too, but I always suggest you give him yours in exchange. It doesn't mean he'll call, but at least he has it. Likewise, you can call him too, and you have the same expectations as a guy would have. For instance, you want to have some context and have built some rapport and connection in order to have a reason to call him later on. For instance, if you and he are having a great conversation, you can end it just a little too soon by saying, "Well, it was really nice talking to you. We need to do this again sometime. Here's my number - give me yours and let's get together some time next week."
Then, when you call, it's natural. You can say, "Hey - are you available on Friday to continue our conversation from last week?" You see, you've built rapport and connection with him already and this is perfectly natural. It gives direction without looking desperate or easy - you're not promising or demanding or expecting anything!
As to when you can approach a man, the answer is anywhere and everywhere! There are some obvious times to not approach someone. For instance, if he's there with his wife or girlfriend, or seems in a huge rush and you won't have time to connect with him, but frankly, this is pretty rare. It's the same problem that men face too. They see a girl they'd like to get to know, but she's in curlers, torn sweats and rushing through the isles at the store looking for baby formula. That's probably not a good time to approach her.
On the flip side, most men would really appreciate meeting a nice girl like you. They'd walk away from wherever you met thinking, "Wow, what a great girl!" and then would probably blame themselves for being such a catch or something. The point is, they're not really thinking about you as being desperate or easy at all - they're thinking about themselves - just like you do when a guy approaches you!
If you want to learn more about how to approach men, there's an e-book on my website (http://BeingAMan.com) that talks specifically about this. It goes into the reasoning behind it, how men think and react, how to find and approach guys, all your special "tricks" (the ones we guys don't have) and much more. It's called "How Women Can Approach Men", and I highly encourage you to read it for the complete answer here.
Honey, you've got to get your head out of all this ridiculous dogma and into the game. Stop listening to these crazy, lonely idiots that think the rules from 50 years ago work today. They don't. You're a new girl in a new world at a new time.
Best regards…
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).
Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
Jul. 8, 2009 12:19 PM -
0 comments
- [ post comment ] Hey Doc!
I just want to say thanks for helping to transform me into a better man than I was! Growing up, I had a dad that was often not available due to work. He and my mother would frequently get into fights with him screaming and yelling (he never hit my mother however) but my limited time with my dad up until high school feminized me a bit. I always got to hear moms side of the story, and started looking at everything from her point of view – highly feminized. Naturally, I would take the side of the girls even when I entered the dating scene and was unable to "hang with the boys" like I should have.
Still struggling with a few relationships, but mostly described as the infamous "catch"; I moved away and joined the military. I found your website and wrote you twice in the past. After your advice from the first time I bought BAM and it helped me out a lot! It completely changed my perspective.
Right now I’m deployed to a substandard country. I had a girlfriend right before I left and was going to tell her "let's go our own ways, and we'll see what happens later" but she throws this huge going away party for me with her family, drinks everything and I went soft.
After I left we were on LDR status which I was skeptical of in the first place. Three months later she gives me the “lets just be friends” email, to which I replied, "By friends, do you mean therapist for all your future problems from now on?? No. I have lots of friends. See you later!"
Since then, I’ve been able to get a good looking British chick to practically eat out of the palm of my hand, with a few others curious! Despite the horrible military ratio here!
I’ve been reading BAM 2 on my free time to keep my guard up (one thing I learned is to never keep your guard down in the first place!) and it’s been an incredible help!
The point being is your material has helped me better become a better man, although the term has lost its meaning in society....you know what I’m talking about.
Thanks again,
==================================
Hello!
Thanks for your comments!
You are sooooo right about society losing the concept of what a man is! I just had this very same discussion last night with this beautiful actress I was with (and yes, you'd probably recognize her.)
She was complaining that she doesn't seem to meet real men any more and how different I was. Then, I proceeded to explain to her why that was true and she said she didn't believe it!
I asked her, "So, based on your own experience, how can you deny what I'm saying is true?" She said, "Because an entire generation of men couldn't possibly have lost all of that - it'd take many generations to 'evolve' it out." "Really?" I asked "Just because the traits are still there doesn't mean that people know how to tap them." Eventually, she finally agreed - her own experiences bearing the fact out.
Your experiences bear them out too! It's unfortunately, but in a sea of feminization, without some model to follow; most men fall into the same traps and actually believe that their own gender is the problem. Men rarely have examples of masculinity to draw from and with such huge pressure to be more like women, it's amazing that there are any real or emerging men like you out there!
I've very proud of: 1) the fact that you realize the problems and 2) that you're doing something about it. No wonder you're described as a "catch". Do you have any idea how rare your "type" has become?
Oh, and yes, I do get occasional hate male from men too - there are some of them in that list, but as you'd suspect, its more women.
Great job Mike - I'm very proud of you. Even more important than for yourself, just think of what you're doing for these great women that really deserve a guy like you!
Best regards…
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).
Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
Jul. 1, 2009 11:09 AM -
0 comments
- [ post comment ] Normal0falsefalsefalseMicrosoftInternetExplorer4/* Style Definitions */table.MsoNormalTable{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;mso-style-noshow:yes;mso-style-parent:"";mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;mso-para-margin:0in;mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;mso-pagination:widow-orphan;font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:#0400;mso-fareast-language:#0400;mso-bidi-language:#0400;} I was in a long distance relationship over the internet and it ended 5 weeks ago. Basically I screwed up in silly ways and hurt her. I quit for a day, but came back and after staying away for another day she added me again during that first week (she said she'll always love me.) Over the next week or so I tried to put things back together with her. I asked if she needed time and space and she said yes because she wasn't over things. We both were/are in deeply love. I was talking about our relationship with other regulars on the site and I know she hates that. One guy ratted me out about saying things to her claiming that we'll only be "friends" and well I finally just stayed away for a week and a half and came back last Friday. I know she still feels the same and eventually will consider taking me back. She's a flirt and obviously has been naughty since, even if it means nothing that side of stuff. I know I should just give it more time, but when I see her online I try to be strong and make it look like her flirting doesn’t bother me, but I can’t seem to help myself and I contact her again. I know she thinks we are meant to be (even if we’re in totally different countries.) I'd like your advice on what she's thinking and some suggestions as to how to handle this with her. Do I just need to try to back off and give this more time?
=====================
Hello! Being in a long-distance relationship means that you were in no relationship at all. The "relationship" existed only in your head - nowhere else. First of all, I don't read minds, so I can't tell you what she's thinking. The only one that knows that is her. You're going to have to go ask her. Now, let me ask you: what do you really want from me here? Do you want me to help you perpetuate this fantasy you have? Do you want me to tell you how to actually PREVENT you from having a REAL relationship with a girl right there in your own backyard with all the richness that you deserve? I'm not going to do that. This long-distance thing is absolutely ridiculous. You may FEEL like it's something, but it's not. It only exists in your noggin. If you can't reach out and hold her hand whenever you want. If you can't kiss her lips or hold her when she needs, you have nothing. Even worse, you're actually PREVENTING yourself from finding someone that you could have these things with! You think you're in a "committed relationship" (or were) with this girl? No, you're not. It's simply not reality, and I'm not going to help you continue this unhealthy, cruel fantasy. Best regards… ------------------------------------------------------------------ Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs). Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
Jun. 24, 2009 11:37 AM -
0 comments
- [ post comment ] Normal0falsefalsefalseMicrosoftInternetExplorer4/* Style Definitions */table.MsoNormalTable{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;mso-style-noshow:yes;mso-style-parent:"";mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;mso-para-margin:0in;mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;mso-pagination:widow-orphan;font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:#0400;mso-fareast-language:#0400;mso-bidi-language:#0400;} Hi Doc! My girlfriend and I broke up about 5 weeks ago. I’m 22 and we have been dating 3 years - on and off for 5. She broke up with me because of the way I was treating her, I was being a pretty bad boyfriend. So, after 5 weeks we had a talk and she was willing to open her heart for me to come back in being a better person. This is where I have my question. We put out some ground rules and she wants to take baby steps toward getting back together. It’s been a week and she texts me all day while she’s at work, and even drew a doodle with my name, but she won’t let me get to close. We have only hugged and I kissed her on the cheek. Is she taking it really slow or just playing me off? Granted I haven’t tried to make any moves out of fear of ruining the chance I have. How long should I be willing to wait for something to happen? I mean after 2 weeks if we haven’t even kissed its kinda weird isn’t it? Thanks! Hello! Yes, it's kinda weird! What's going on isn't about her "taking it slow". That's absolutely ridiculous! In fact, what's happening is that she's punishing you. Only when she feels that you are going to be a good boy will this ever end - if ever at all! Really, this isn't healthy in the least. It's not healthy from a relationship stand point (and certainly not "mature"), it's not healthy for her, and it is absolutely unhealthy for you! I suggest you put this crap to bed already. Stop being so scared of losing things with her! Is this really the sort of relationship you wanted? I'd hope not! The next time you see her, say, "Ok, I've been punished enough. This 'taking it slow' garbage is over - done. No more of it. Either you're your my girlfriend or you're not. If you're not, I'm going to go find someone else that is. If you are, start acting like her." Now, I know you're terrified; (frankly, of what, I don't know - more of this mistreatment???), but you're going to find that this little speech changes her attitude entirely. It's designed that way. Someone has to be in charge of the relationship. This is YOUR job as the guy. Frankly, you've given up your job as a concession and accepted punishment from her for it. That's not a relationship at all; it's a parent-child situation and is just as humiliating as it is unhealthy. Get this fixed right now! Best regards… ------------------------------------------------------------------ Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs). Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
Jun. 17, 2009 11:53 AM -
0 comments
- [ post comment ] Normal0falsefalsefalseMicrosoftInternetExplorer4/* Style Definitions */table.MsoNormalTable{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;mso-style-noshow:yes;mso-style-parent:"";mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;mso-para-margin:0in;mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;mso-pagination:widow-orphan;font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:#0400;mso-fareast-language:#0400;mso-bidi-language:#0400;} Hi Dr. Neder, I met a girl (21yrs old) a little while ago, and have been going go out with her for 2 months. I now sense that she was on the rebound from another relationship; emotionally hurt and confused, but she does not make it clear to me that she is. This is affecting my relationship with her. She may be into me only because of my trustworthiness and only for her to regain the self-esteem that she lost from before. I may be wasting my time here. Could you give me your experience when it comes to relationships with women that are on the rebound from another relationship? (I believe they are destructive and don’t last. Hello! What are you - her boyfriend or her therapist? You're putting all this unreasonable weight on her past relationships and are simply reacting rather than dealing with the situation. Ok, she's been hurt in the past. Boo freakin' hoo! Who hasn't been? All I can say to her is: "welcome to the club!" It's not your job to make up for all the past hurts in her relationship. By focusing on it - and giving it any weight whatsoever - that's exactly what you're doing. You're reacting to it and trying to solve it for her. Now, many women will try to get you to do this, but if you play that game, they lose interest in you pretty quickly. Even at 21 she's still an adult and is involved in the adult game of relationships. She has to get over these things on her own - you're never going to "fix them" for her. Trust me - you're simply too close to the situation. So, the question then becomes: how do you handle all of this? The answer is simple: you EXPECT her to be an adult and to deal with her issues just like you and everyone else has to. You DO NOT react to them or try to sooth them or deal with them at all. You simply can't do this effectively and still build a relationship with her at the same time. Trying to fix them is that "waste" you feel in your gut. Further, I absolutely DO NOT believe in "rebound relationships". It's a nice sound bite, but nothing else. The reality is that people enter relationships for personal (and usually selfish) reasons - seeking whatever benefits they offer. Yours is no different. Best regards… ------------------------------------------------------------------ Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs). Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
Jun. 10, 2009 4:35 PM -
0 comments
- [ post comment ] Normal0falsefalsefalseMicrosoftInternetExplorer4/* Style Definitions */table.MsoNormalTable{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;mso-style-noshow:yes;mso-style-parent:"";mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;mso-para-margin:0in;mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;mso-pagination:widow-orphan;font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:#0400;mso-fareast-language:#0400;mso-bidi-language:#0400;} I’ve been promoting a new concept on my show that has been very successful in explaining how attraction and love work. I call these them (collectively) “The Formula”. Is there really a “formula” for attraction and love? Yes, there is. I discovered them when I was working on what sorts of approaches work best with what sorts of women. Now, keep in mind that these are formulas for women, not men. Guys have a totally different formula and if you’re good, one day soon I’ll publish those for you girls. What’s the benefit of knowing these formulas? For any guy that is serious about meeting women, creating relationships and even managing ones they already have, the benefits are huge. In fact, it’s in these very formulas that I see the greatest number of mistakes being made by men. To wit; here are the formulas: 1) The “Attraction Fomula”: Interest + Rapport and Connection = Attraction 2) The “Love Formula”: Attraction + Safety and Security + Greater Connection = Love They can also work in reverse: 1) The “Loss of Love Formula”: Love - Loss of Connection - Loss of Safety and Security = Attraction 2) The “Loss of Attraction Formula”: Attraction - Loss of Rapport and Connection = Interest So, what exactly do these mean? Let’s start with attraction first. What you need to know is that in order for women to be attracted to you, you have to start with some interest. Now the biggest reason why most men don’t approach women is simple: they believe that there’s no automatic interest on the part of the woman – and that may be true. What they don’t get however is that interest is something that can be created! Think about this: let’s say that you are even reasonably interesting or of even average attractiveness. In fact, you don’t even have to be average – you can be below average if you combine them together! A simple, reasonable approach can create “interest” in your target. It’s really pretty simple and is based on the very common understanding that people have a natural need to connect with others. Thus, if you know this, (and now you do!) you can always create attraction from your simple approach. The next step is in building that up to attraction and the key components are “rapport” and “connection”. What are these? Rapport is defined as “harmonious or sympathetic relation”. Think about that for a minute. How do you build harmonious or sympathetic relation? By playing to those things in your target that are the same or with which she can sympathize. It’s that simple! Of course, the more complicated question is how you do that. In my books, “Being a Man in a Woman’s World I & II”, I teach 4 different Communication Systems. It’s through these communication systems that you build rapport. By either being the same as (matching) her systems or in other cases, countering them (differing), you turn her interest into attraction. Some people use these intuitively and others “stumble upon” them but far more have to learn and practice them. Of course, if they work this well, that effort is more than worth it – and it is! Connection comes automatically by how well your target relates to you. Obviously, if you build great rapport with her, she’s going to begin relating right off the bat and in fact, this is where attraction comes from. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve talked to that said, “You know, the more I talked to him, the more attracted I became!” Now you know why. In the second formula, the “Love Formula”, you have to add a few components, but again, it’s simple to use effectively. One key aspect of this formula is that this is likely a primary goal of your target – to be in love. Thus, even without knowing it, she’ll be more than ready to help you get there! All you need to do is provide the other key elements which are: Safety means creating a place or environment where your target feels safe with you. This isn’t just location, although location is one important part. That’s why it’s almost impossible for you to get a woman to focus on you when she’s being stalked by a jealous ex-husband; unless she sees you as her protector. Security comes from believing that she can reasonably accept the risks you pose in her getting hurt emotionally. As you grow your investment in her, she (hopefully) will do the same. Now think about this: how many guys have you heard of that have done all the supposed “right things” such as taking her out on expensive dates, buying her expensive gifts, taking her on expensive trips, etc., only to find that she falls out of (or worse, never fell into) love with him? This happens all the time, right? Do you want to know why? It’s simple: when you over-invest; that is, investing without getting back some investment from her at an equal rate, she begins to believe that you have to work this hard because you have nothing else to offer. This means that she’s never going to get the place where she feels the risk and thus, doesn’t need your security! Thus, love will never come for her. Once you create both safety and security within her mind, all you need to do is back it up with some more connection and bingo, she falls in love! I think you’re getting the picture of just how important these formulas are! If you really learn them and practice them, you’ll have a tool to build any level of attraction or love within any woman you want. Likewise, you’ll be able to remove it too. Your choice. Best regards… ------------------------------------------------------------------ Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs). Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
Jun. 3, 2009 11:27 AM -
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- [ post comment ] Normal0falsefalsefalseMicrosoftInternetExplorer4/* Style Definitions */table.MsoNormalTable{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;mso-style-noshow:yes;mso-style-parent:"";mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;mso-para-margin:0in;mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;mso-pagination:widow-orphan;font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:#0400;mso-fareast-language:#0400;mso-bidi-language:#0400;} Hey Dr. Neder! I’ve gone through reading both BAM I and II – great books by the way! I’ve made my plans and have began practicing the steps outlined in the books, but here’s the problem: when I’m around women that I have no interest in whatsoever, I’m able to build rapport with them quickly and if I wanted to could easily close them. However if it’s a woman that I’m attracted I can’t bring myself to start a conversation and work on closing her. How do you explain that and more importantly is there any advice you could give that would help me get over whatever the hell my problem is? Hello! This problem is not only common, it's perfectly normal. You are invested in women that you're attracted to, and thus, fear losing the opportunity or the girl. Again, perfectly normal. This is called “approach anxiety”. The key is that you have to work through that anxiety. You do that by: 1) Regular practice. Trust me, after you've done this 20 times, you're going to get entirely over the fear of it. 2) Being goal-focused, not girl-focused. This is important: keep your eye on the goals you created from BAM. Don't focus on the girl. She is mealy a vehicle to getting what you want. That takes the pressure off of you. 3) Keep rolling the numbers. Dating is a numbers game. If all you have is one hot girl and you lose her, you've got 100% loss. If you have 4 hot girls you're working and you lose one of them, who cares? Do you remember the "20 No's"? It's a great tool if you have this sort of anxiety. If you don't remember it, go to my video website: http://BeingAMan.tv and click on "Video" and then "BAM! TV Episodes" and watch the first episode. Give these things a try and let me know how they work out for you. If you apply them aggressively, you'll be over your anxiety with beautiful girls in no time. Best regards… ------------------------------------------------------------------ Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs). Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
May. 27, 2009 11:44 AM -
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- [ post comment ] Normal0falsefalsefalseMicrosoftInternetExplorer4/* Style Definitions */table.MsoNormalTable{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;mso-style-noshow:yes;mso-style-parent:"";mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;mso-para-margin:0in;mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;mso-pagination:widow-orphan;font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:#0400;mso-fareast-language:#0400;mso-bidi-language:#0400;} It started as white lies at first about small things then on to more serious things. She is not a very good liar and exposes herself with inconsistent stories and I’m just about fed up. For instance, she was talking to a few guys before me, and lies about them not calling her. There are a more lies that I’ll spare you from but she thinks I’m overreacting about this and always says, “How are we going to have a relationship without trust?” I just can’t trust someone who always lies to me. She says I’m crazy and controlling but I disagree, it’s just that she’s so immature that sometimes I know that she’s wrong and I’m right and it makes me talk to her like I’m her dad. If I don’t say anything when I catch her in a lie she continues to do it, but if I keep getting angry shell probably lie even more because of fear of my reaction. PLEASE HELP! Hello! Yes, your girlfriend is a liar. So are you. So are your parents and your teachers and your co-workers and your pastor and everyone else in the world. Everyone - and I mean EVERYONE - lies. You are overreacting. Get over it. Here's the real problem: you want to try to make your girlfriend responsible for your feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. You want her to make you "trust her" when in fact, you simply don't trust yourself to make good decisions about your relationship. You're trying to get your girlfriend to live up to a standard that even you can't meet. Now, stop. Before you rush to your keyboard to tell me how wrong I am - that you aren't a liar - just don't bother. That itself is a lie. Do yourself a favor and go to my website (http://BeingAMan.tv) and click on "Video". From there, click "Self Help" and watch the video on "trust". It'll explain to you why what you're trying to do isn't going to work. Instead, you need to build up that trust from inside first. This is the only reason why she's taking advantage of you - because you let her. Look at it from another angle. Let's say that you were so secure with yourself that if she were having guys over, you'd simply laugh to yourself; realizing that she's losing someone incredible, and go off to find some other girl that knew better. How would that change the scene? Do you think she'd risk losing THAT guy? Of course not. Right now, what does she risk losing? Frankly, not very much. You're the one that shoulders all the risk - and it's entirely self-inflicted. Best regards… ------------------------------------------------------------------ Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs). Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
May. 6, 2009 12:06 PM -
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- [ post comment ] Dear Doc: I am 20 and the longest I have been in a relationship is 10 months, but I have noticed a pattern in all of the girls I have dated. When I first meet them, they seem to be head over heels for me, they seem to love my charm, since of humor and look and things go okay for about a month or two. I am what you would call a gentlemen type of boyfriend. I always pay on dates, open the door for the girl, see what movie they want to see, so on... and later in our relation ship I am very affectionate, telling them I love them when we get done talking on the phone, and holding there hand in public, etc. I start noticing a pattern: the more interest I show in the girl, the more they start to distance themselves. I always figured that to show a girl I am interested in her, I had to pay a lot of attention to her, but I think that it turns them off. I think maybe they think I am to "clingy". My friends say I need to start acting like a jerk to them. I just wanted a second opinion on the matter, a more professional one. Hello! "Clingy" is far too simplistic a concept to explain all of this. No, it's not that you're clingy, it's that you're not allowing - or expecting - these girls to invest in your relationship. You never give them that chance, so after 10 months (or so) of this, they begin to realize this fact and go off to find someone that knows better. Yes, IN A WAY girls like "jerks". The problem with this concept is that it's a very subtle thing and frankly, very few guys can pull it off properly. Trust me on this one: you don't have the experience nor example to do it. What you think is being diplomatic actually comes off as weak and disorganized to women. The best example I can give you is your own statement about being a "gentleman boyfriend". Specifically, "...pay on dates, open the door for the girl, see what movie they want to see..." This is the pattern that's killing you. You're making the girl the focus of the relationship. She doesn't want to be this - she wants YOU to be this. There's a difference between basic courtesy and over-giving. For instance, you should always open the door for a woman. Why? Simple: you're bigger than her (most likely) and many doors are just heavy to move. You walk out the outside of the curb - toward the street. Why? Because you're bigger and easier to see by on-coming traffic. These forms of courtesy not only let her feel more like a woman but they have practical reasons for being as well. This isn't your problem however. You need to assert yourself - your desires, your wants, your plans, etc. - into the relationship early-on and keep them going. You're not doing that, I can already tell. You're asking her what she wants, what she expects, etc., and then trying to jump through hoops to give them to her. That's your mistake. Instead, you need to first decide what you want (the hardest part for nice guys like you by the way) and then to not only tell her, but expect her to comply with it - which she will, happily - in HER language. Women are complicated, wonderful creatures. They are flexible in ways you and I can only hope to be, but trust me on this one: they don't want to be the one that has to decide everything. They'd far rather follow the plan - if only you can decide what that is and communicate it to her in her own language. Herein lies the problem! I know I've left you confused by this because you can't turn to some movie or TV show you've ever seen to extract an example of this behavior. Unfortunately, your education about women - what they want, who that are, etc. - is wrong. Totally wrong. You need to rebuild that education if you ever want more than 10-month relationships, because women just aren't here to teach you how to be a man. They expect you to already know. If you prove to them you're not one (which you do through your "program" of being the nice guy) they bolt looking form someone like me. [Man! Am I an arrogant jackass or what!???] I strongly recommend you seek out that education you so badly need. There's no reason why you can't learn to keep these things going properly and to even grow them, but YOU have to decide to seek it out. It doesn't come to you, and trust me, it's not just floating out there for you to absorb. In fact, it's rather hidden. Seek it out and change your life. It's that simple. Best regards… ------------------------------------------------------------------ Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs). Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
Apr. 8, 2009 11:03 AM -
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- [ post comment ] Normal0falsefalsefalseMicrosoftInternetExplorer4/* Style Definitions */table.MsoNormalTable{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;mso-style-noshow:yes;mso-style-parent:"";mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;mso-para-margin:0in;mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;mso-pagination:widow-orphan;font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:#0400;mso-fareast-language:#0400;mso-bidi-language:#0400;} Hey Doc, I have a question: why are women attracted to men (and not to each other)? I know what attracts me to women, women are beautiful and soft but I wonder what’s in women's brains that make them see men as more attractive than women? I can’t imagine my self kissing another man but why do women see it as enjoyable? I asked this question to few girls before and they don't seem to know the answer. Can you explain this? Thanks! Hello! Some of the questions I get are more of the same and I answer them. Some of them (like yours) are excellent and I can hardly wait to get to them. Thanks! Yes, this is a great question. Let me see if I can shed some light on this. There are many things to admire about women: their looks, the softness of their skin and bodies, their smell, their hair and their nurturing, giving qualities. We both agree on all of these. Most women however see these things not as sexual attractiveness, but as weakness. Therein lies your answer. There's a lot of evolutionary sociology behind all of this and I'll try not to bore you with much science, but consider this: you evolved to admire primarily sexual characteristics of women; things that make her look young, healthy and vibrant primarily because these are the types of characteristics that produce healthy offspring able to reproduce. Characteristics that produce unhealthy offspring died off with them because they weren't around to reproduce! Women did the same thing, but in a different way, with a different motivation. Women; being burdened with doing most of the child raising had to naturally look for others to protect them, help them gather food and help them raise their young. They too want offspring that will be healthy and to survive into sexual adulthood. In effect, this means strength and power. Those are the most attractive qualities that women see in men. You see, just as you want healthy offspring, so do women, but we go about creating them from different motivations. Now, just as some men prefer brunettes and some prefer blonds, women have physical and emotional choices too, but they define "attractiveness" differently than you do based on this programming. To a woman, the thought of being with a powerful man creates security and safety. Women need this security in order to feel love - and loved by the way. Part of this is sexual attraction too. Women are motivated by their own genes to find men who can produce strong healthy children as sexually attractive. Aspects like kissing, cuddling, having sex, etc., are all things that build positive physical and emotional sensations in us because we are pre-wired that way. Women get emotional, physical and sexual arousal from those things that they equate with basic sexual characteristics - just like we guys do. The difference is that we need different things. You run into some confusion here however. How come women simply don't go for the biggest, brutish types of men they can find? Simple: these guys also consume the most resources! (There are some other reasons behind this too but again, it gets pretty complicated pretty quickly!) Women view other things as "powerful" too: someone with attitude, someone with confidence, high-income earners, intelligence, men with social status, etc. These are guys that CREATE the greatest resources. Today, it's fundamentally within the home and the culture. With our ancestors, it was the guys that went out on the hunt to bring back protein for the family at great personal risk to themselves. By the way consider that a group of individuals - even if they are all women - are "strong" too. This is why women also developed much keener communication and social skills than men did. By creating a community, women were able to provide better for their own offspring. Of course they also competed together for limited resources - food, shelter, protection - and men. This explains why so many women can be catty towards each other too. It comes from a basis of competition with each other. Now, these things are highly over-simplified, but if you consider them, you'll get a very good idea not only of what women are looking for in men, but why they find someone you don't think is attractive, so appealing. Best regards... ------------------------------------------------------------------ Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
Apr. 1, 2009 1:13 PM -
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- [ post comment ] Normal0falsefalsefalseMicrosoftInternetExplorer4/* Style Definitions */table.MsoNormalTable{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;mso-style-noshow:yes;mso-style-parent:"";mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;mso-para-margin:0in;mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;mso-pagination:widow-orphan;font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:#0400;mso-fareast-language:#0400;mso-bidi-language:#0400;} Doc: I met a girl that has been hurt by a lot of guys in her past and I asked her out but I got turned down because she said she wanted to face her studies squarely. She came back home on Christmas break and I asked her again and we were so close to getting together, but then, she found out I had been flirting with another girl while she was gone to school which she took as something of importance and turned me down again because she couldn’t trust me with her so she said. I then forwarded messages from the girl I used to mess with who was wondering why I cut her off to her and she didn’t seem to care. I like this girl so much that I'll do anything for her. I even had her meet my parents just to prove to her that I was real but then I think me apologizing when I didn't have to made the whole situation blow up in my face. I asked her to meet me for Valentines Day. She said she wasn't sure if she's free on that day, then I sent her texts and called since then and got no reply. PLEASE HELP! I’m lost and I don’t want to lose this girl! Hello! What the hell are you doing here??? Sure, you like this girl so much that you'd do anything for her - expect exactly what you SHOULD be doing! Stop this nonsense right now! What are you, her therapist? Are you trying to make all her boo boos all better? You absolutely CAN NOT do this! You need to pull your head out and see this for what it really is: she's a manipulative, insecure little bitch! How DARE she turn you down and then get angry for you being interested in some other girl! All this girl is doing is using your own naïveté against you! She's manipulating you to be alone and waiting for her when she doesn't plan to give you any play whatsoever! This has absolutely NOTHING to do with "trust" at all! It has everything to do with this little bitch knowing she has your balls in a noose and is using it against you! Stop being her pet and start being a man ready! The reality is that you've probably already lost her by doing all these dumb things! No woman wants to be with any guy that absolutely needs to have her. That's far too much pressure. I don't care what you've seen in romantic comedies! Those are fantasy and this is reality. You're going to need to get distant from this girl! In fact, if she's away at school, you don't have any way of building anything with her anyway until she comes home for good! Look - I know you're hurting, but this is entirely self inflicted! You need to see that you've LET her manipulate you. You've even encouraged her by jumping through her little hoops. This girl has a serious mental illness and is punishing you for her problems. I suggest you tell her flat-out that if she doesn't want you dating other girls, then she'd better step up and fill in the gaps. This is YOUR life you're talking about here. You get to decide what you want and what you don't want. As soon as you give that away, no girl will ever be interested in you. It's that very masculine power that women crave. You've simply thrown all of that in the toilet because you think that prostrating yourself is the key to a woman's heart. It absolutely IS NOT. Best regards... ------------------------------------------------------------------ Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
Mar. 25, 2009 11:45 AM -
1 comments
- [ post comment ] Dear Dr. Neder, I have been reading your column for a while and I never thought that I might need help myself. But lo and behold I am here writing you this letter. I am naturally a cocky, funny asshole beautiful girl which lets me date out of my league and makes men bend over backwards for me. I started working and met this guy. He was cocky and funny, but so am I. He obviously liked me and I started liking him even though in the beginning I avoided him because of the player vibe. He kept trying to hang out with me, even offering to cook me dinner (a seal the deal meal). Finally I cave after dissing him for like ever, we hang out, he tries to kiss me and I back up. We keep hanging out. He tells me to come see him, I diss him. He tells me to call him and I don't. I basically hang out with him and hook up, but I keep a distance. I haven't had sex with him yet and I am freaking out. The other day at work, he kept talking about needing sex. We had made plans that night and I told him it was alright if he wanted to hang out with some else that would have sex with him. I was cool with it (test 1). I put it in a way that let him know I don't care if he bangs other chicks. He said he still wanted to hang out with me and I somehow ended up blowing him that night! I feel like a whore because I’ve been seeing him for only a month. I told him after breakfast, "Listen, I can have sex with basically anyone I want, so I prefer to actually like the person". He said, "You don't like me?" I said, "No I do." Tell me how you think I can tell what his intentions are without all these damn tests. I keep mind fucking this guy and he keeps doing it back. I want to have sex with him, but not if he is banging other people. That is so grimy. I really like him and want to be with him, but I don't want to get hurt so I keep being an asshole. Hello! Here's the real problem: this guy doesn't give a shit about you. All he's interested in is the chase itself. You're playing this guy and he's digging the chase. That should tell you something right there! What self-respecting guy would EVER put up with all that crap? Answer: no one I know! With me, (or one of my students) you'd have been history after the very first game! I see so many girls doing exactly what you're doing - and every one of them (and I mean EVERY one of them) comes back with the same complaint: they can't land the guy; or if they do, he doesn't stick around and if he does, he mistreats her. Think about this: after putting him through all this shit, how in the hell could you EVER be worth it? Second answer: you can't. As soon as he has you, he'll be totally done with it all and will be moving on to the next hunt. You're never going to land this guy or end all the games. That, my dear, is the reality. You see, the basics of any relationship aren't here. You totally lack any respect between you whatsoever! What sort of relationship can you ever build without that? Third answer: not any sort of one that would ever be worthwhile. So, here's even more reality: 1) You're not going to accept anything I've told you. You're convinced that being a jackass, holding the guy off as long as you can, Testing him and throwing game after game at him is the only way to build and keep his interest. You simply don’t know any better. 2) He doesn't give a rat's ass about you. He's only in it for the chase. 3) You want him to give a rat's ass about you and that's why you do these dumb (and I mean REALLY dumb) things! 4) You're going to try to do this to the next guy too and he's either going to: a) Dump you for being a game player, or b) Play your game and dump you the minute he gets you because, he isn't interested in you either. He's interested in the game. 5) You're going to blame me for being wrong until YOU wise up. 6) One day you WILL wise up and then, I'm going to become an instant genius in your eyes. One more thing: relationships (I mean REAL relationships - not this ridiculous thing you're trying to build here) are all about risk. Of course, this thing you're building isn't about risk at all - it's 100% guaranteed that you're going to get dumped from this guy because you're setting yourself up for it. Healthy relationships on the other hand have their own risks too, but it's far, far less than 100%! Think about this: what sort of relationship would it be if you didn't invest yourself in it; if it were only about the games and trying to manipulate the other person so that you wouldn't have to take any real risks of getting hurt? Oh yeah, that's right - it'd be exactly what you have now with this guy. Sorry, I forgot. Best regards... ------------------------------------------------------------------ Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
Mar. 18, 2009 12:58 PM -
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- [ post comment ] Normal0falsefalsefalseMicrosoftInternetExplorer4/* Style Definitions */table.MsoNormalTable{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;mso-style-noshow:yes;mso-style-parent:"";mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;mso-para-margin:0in;mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;mso-pagination:widow-orphan;font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:#0400;mso-fareast-language:#0400;mso-bidi-language:#0400;} Hi Dr. Dennis, I recently started dating a guy. I am 21 and he's 22. We've been together for about 2 months now and it's going really well, but a lot of the time I feel like he is contributing to the relationship a lot more than I am and I don't really know how to fix this. The thing is, I am a lot more talkative than he is, so conversation tends to be geared towards my interests a lot of the time. But the same is true of activities we do together...he gets involved in stuff I like more than I do in stuff that he likes. The thing is that he seems to have very limited interests. (well, he likes a lot of stuff, but nothing is personally his OWN. See, he only recently has decided to expand his horizons by getting away from his past obsession with video games...his personal choice by the way). It seems like I have a lot more interests and hobbies than he does, and I'm involved in a lot more things than he is. But after two months one would think I would know a lot more about my boyfriend and what types of things he is interested in. I fear that I am being self-centered in the relationship and focusing on my interests a lot more than his. But I don't know how to change this since it's almost like he doesn't have any interests to talk about or get involved in. Any ideas? Really appreciate your help. Thanks so much. Hello! What an incredibly great question this is. I'm so proud of you for asking - even KNOWING to ask. I sure hope this guy knows how lucky he is being with you. Unfortunately, very, very few modern women even think about these things. All I have to say is: "WOW!" As you've said, you're far more talkative than he is. This tends to be women's downfall. Instead, of talking to him ABOUT him, you talk to him about all the things YOU know - primarily yourself. This is natural since we're all interested in ourselves and the things in our lives, but if you really want to build a huge connection with someone you have to break out of that pattern and learn to focus on that other person. The other problem you face is simply this: most men aren't good about talking about themselves; their feelings, their needs, etc. The good news is that there are some very simple answers to this. First, let me say that most women assume that men should just tell them what's going on - and NEVER, EVER even bother to ask. Then, they write to me complaining that their guys are shallow or hiding something. Women need to understand that neither of these are likely. It's far, FAR more likely that the woman just never bothered to find out! Here's what you need to do: First of all, plan that over the next few weeks, you're going to try to NOT talk about anything about yourself other than some current events of particular interest and relevance to him. For instance, you can talk about your day, but keep it down to 2 minutes (yes, I know, that's VERY difficult for most women!) and then say, "Ok, enough about me. I want to hear about YOUR day now." At first, he's going to be surprised - whether he shows it or not. He's probably going to give you some short, simplistic answers because we guys usually don't believe that you want to know (and most of you don't!) You have to be persistent here. Don't let him get away with these summaries. Ask him SPECIFIC questions about his day like what he did, how he feels about it, etc. In addition, you want to make it easy for him. Understand that most guys lack the wiring you girls have to turn your emotions into words. This isn't natural for most guys. We don't connect them well and thus, have to work very hard in order to express emotional ideas. That doesn't mean we can't or that we don't necessarily want to, it's just that it's very difficult for us. So, help him along here. Make it easy by asking, "So, when that guy at work said that, were you angry?" A simple question like this allows him to say "yes" or "no". Based on his answer you can say, "Yeah, I'd feel that way too." [then, right back to him] "Are you going to follow it up, or do you think it'd be better to drop it?" You see, you're going to have to listen - really listen - to him here, but what do you think the value of that's going to be? Answer: it's going to be HUGE. You may be the very first girl to EVER find out about him! The point about this is that you're using your own communication skills to draw him out - rather than to just express yourself and your interests. See how powerful that can be? On to his interests, you can do the same thing here. You can say, "Let's get together this weekend and go do whatever it is that you want to do. The problem is that he's going to have a hard time coming up with something. That's pretty common! You're going to have to help him along here too. Maybe he'd like to take a bike ride or go see something in town that he hasn't seen but was interested in. Maybe a museum or sports event or something. This will tell you at least one of his interests. Another tool that works really well is what I call a "couples hobby". This is something that NEITHER of you has ever tried before but that sounds fun and interesting to you both. There are 1001 different fun things you can try and this is a great time to begin building your connection by finding just one or two of them. Make it a game to find this thing between you. Bottom line: you're going to discover some really incredible things about this guy - and he about you - all because YOU asked this question! Good on you for it! Best regards... ------------------------------------------------------------------ Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
Mar. 11, 2009 11:27 AM -
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- [ post comment ] Normal0falsefalsefalseMicrosoftInternetExplorer4/* Style Definitions */table.MsoNormalTable{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;mso-style-noshow:yes;mso-style-parent:"";mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;mso-para-margin:0in;mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;mso-pagination:widow-orphan;font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:#0400;mso-fareast-language:#0400;mso-bidi-language:#0400;} Hello Dr. Neder: This last weekend, I bumped into an old friend that happens to be friends with my ex. She was with another friend with whom I hit it off really well. We all decided to go hang out for a while. She and I flirted quite a bit and we spent the entire evening together. She and I took a taxi home where I kissed her on the cheek when we got to her place. She gave me her Facebook name and I friended her. As well, I left my number with out mutual friend. Since all of this happened, I haven't heard anything from her. I may just be getting a little impatient, but I'm not sure what to do to keep her interested. Hello! Why didn't you close this girl for her digits when you had the chance? Now, you have to play the Facebook game with her, going back and forth and you STILL have to get her number anyway! That's terrible form - and you'd better trust me on this one - she IS going to play you here! You set yourself up for this and now she's going to take full advantage of it. Here's a simple rule: don't EVER accept only an email address or Facebook or MySpace connection! It's far, far easier to play you and try to keep you on the hook as long as she can without going anywhere. This is exactly what is going to happen now. You didn't bother asking me a question here - you just told me a story, so I'm going to have to assume you want an answer as to what to do now. The answer is to get her damn digits already! If she won't give them to you, you're going to have to kick yourself for being so dumb and move on. Tell her to give them to you and CALL HER; DO NOT try to flirt or date this girl on Facebook! You're just going to cause her to lose interest very quickly and you'll lose her. Get to another date right away and turn on the charm. This HAS TO (and I mean HAS TO) be done in person!!!! Best regards... ------------------------------------------------------------------ Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
Mar. 4, 2009 4:38 PM -
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- [ post comment ] Dear Dr. Neder,
How come in the old days women were considered sluts and freaks if they enjoyed having sex or watching porn?
How come the girl had to stay a virgin until marriage but no one cared about the guy? Is it because men needed to know their wife was pregnant with their baby and no one else's or because men could have sex with a lot of girls and have almost no effect, but if women had sex with a lot of guys she would become emotionally messed up?
Sorry for so many questions, I’m just really confused by all of this.
=======================
Hello!
As with most things, the answer isn't as simple as just a single thing. There are a number of reasons for this.
There is nothing as powerful about a person as their sexuality. Think about this: people are willing to risk ridicule, loss of friends, loss of jobs, loss of family, jail, reputation and many other things to get their sexual needs met. This is because sex is a drive that is in all of us.
More important, your sexuality defines quite literally everything else you do! It dictates the clothes you wear, how you walk, the words you choose, your friends and literally every other aspect of your personality in a very direct way. Once someone else understands this, they also see that by controlling your sexuality, they can control you too! Your parents, your church, your city, state and federal governments, "special interest groups", individuals with their own agenda, etc., etc., etc., are all trying to control your sexuality by dictating everything from when and where you can have sex to with whom you can have it to how you actually go about it!
There are laws on many books dictating specifically how and when you can have sex for instance. In some states for instance, it's illegal to have oral sex! Why do you think that is? Simple: control a person's sexuality and you OWN that person. When someone chooses to NOT be owned by someone else and to get comfortable with their sexualities, you pose a threat to those that want to use it to control you.
This is why labels like "slut" and "deviant" exist. In fact, nobody is a slut; male or female, and as long as a person's sexual interests don't inflict themselves on or cause harm to anyone else, they aren't deviant either. Many people live in fear of being labeled and this fear is often enough to "keep them in line".
Interestingly, many of the dumb beliefs we carry today came out of just this sort of need to control. Take a look at the (absolutely ridiculous, harmful, dangerous) belief that a person should stay a virgin until marriage. Frankly, I think that sort of teaching is criminal! What would you say if your church or government or someone you didn't even know tried to make you not believe in your God or religion until you were married? You'd be at their door with a pitchfork!
Sex is very complicated and takes many years and many experiences to learn; let alone master. However, by learning it well and growing in your own comfort of it, you become a far more powerful person because of all the aspects of your own personality that it controls.
Indeed, there were reasons why men were directed to marry virgins while not having the same stigma themselves. This certainly included knowing who the children belonged too, but in fact, that wasn't very practical! Do you know that in turn-of-the-century (20th) England that as many as 1 out 3 babies were father by someone OTHER than the husband? Obviously, these women were having lots of sex outside their marriages.
Today, we use stigma, disease control, guilt, responsibility, funding and tons of other ways to try to control people's sexuality. Many buy into it and are simply harmed in the process. Many others come to the realization that education is the real answer to preventing these negatives and enthusiastically and safely explore their sexualities - and those of others.
Don't worry about other's labels. Focus on what you want in your life and let other, lesser folks grovel in their own limitations. Trust me; you'll have a far richer life because of it.
Best regards...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv.
Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
Feb. 18, 2009 11:33 AM -
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- [ post comment ] Dr. Neder, I have been dating my girlfriend for over 5 years- since my senior year of high school and her junior year. I've graduated from college and she is about to. She is the only girl that I have dated. I've always had girls as friends but never relationships with them. Its not that I am interested in someone right now, but I seem to be finding myself attracted to some of her friends and other girls that I meet lately. I find myself wondering if I've missed out on anything by not having dated more, and had more relationships. I love the girl that I am with and wonder if I'm just looking around at all my friends who have dated several girls, and continue to do so, or whether I should consider myself lucky for finding my girlfriend when I did in life?
Hello! First of all, the answer is yes - you've missed out on some things by having stayed with your girlfriend for the last 5 years. Of course you've gained some things too. The real question is what side of the balance is better? If this is the only girl you're ever going to be with the rest of your life then you're in good shape. You've become an expert - on her. However, that also means that you've haven't learned much about women's ranges and trust me, that’s one HUGE range! Women have all sorts of dynamics that you simply can't read in a book and understand. You need to experience many of them in order to get a sense of just how that is. If you had come to me 5 years ago and asked if you should enter into a long-term relationship with this girl, I'd have told you "no". You're going to miss out on far too much, especially considering that you're just been through college. Look at all the girls you had access to right there. Each one of them was an education in and of itself. There's a reason why you don't spend your entire college career in one class. You need lots of subjects in order to get the knowledge you need to be successful in your chosen field. I can't tell you whether you should break up with your girlfriend or not as I don't know you or her or the relationship. What I do know is that you're always going to wonder what you missed out on. Perhaps you can handle that or perhaps you can't. Only you know the answer. If you're not sure, I suggest you either down-size or break up your relationship and start getting some of that experience you missed. If you're sure, then simply focus back into the relationship itself and realize that you're going to be attracted to other girls too, but that your relationship is what's important to you. Best regards...
Feb. 11, 2009 10:39 AM -
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- [ post comment ] Normal0falsefalsefalseMicrosoftInternetExplorer4/* Style Definitions */table.MsoNormalTable{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;mso-style-noshow:yes;mso-style-parent:"";mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;mso-para-margin:0in;mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;mso-pagination:widow-orphan;font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:#0400;mso-fareast-language:#0400;mso-bidi-language:#0400;} Have you been having trouble moving on after breaking up with an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend? This can be very difficult to do! I’m going to show you an incredibly powerful technique to help you get healed quickly and permanently and to move on so that you can find that next great love and relationship. Why You Can’t Move On Why can it be so tough to move on? Often, it depends on the circumstances of your breakup. For instance, if your ex cheated on you, not only do you feel alone, you often have a bruised ego, many unresolved feelings, etc. Even worse, you will likely replay the event of the breakup over and over again in your mind – with all those powerful emotions attached – only to continue to reinforce the loss. When you combine all of those powerful emotions with a constant replay of events, you work not to forget – but to remember! You’re actually programming your mind to reinforce the effects of the breakup. Now it makes sense that you are having trouble moving on! The problem is that most people think you can just stop doing this and it’ll go away. In reality, that doesn’t work. Let me illustrate why. Let’s play a quick game. I want you to relax for a moment, sit comfortably and close your eyes. While you’re in that state, try to NOT think of a white rabbit. I want you to really make the effort to NOT think of that white rabbit. Give yourself about 1-2 minutes and really try to NOT do it. Go ahead and do it now. I’ll wait…. Dum-da-dee-da-dum-da-do-da-do… Ok, did you try it? If you did, you just discovered something very important. You can’t do it! You can’t NOT think of a thing. That’s a very important lesson in how your mind is wired. It’s designed only to DO one thing or another, not to NOT do it! This also leads you directly to the next step: What You Need to Do Obviously, you have to first stop repeating the breakup or the fight that led to the breakup or that last phone call you had or whatever you’re repeating over and over again. However, that’s probably much easier said that done! What you need is an ACTIVE technique to redirect your mind and turn all that negative energy into positive action. I’m going to give you that technique here. It’s called the “reframe”. If you’ve seen my show or read a few of my articles, you now that I talk about this tool regularly. It’s just that powerful. What it means is to take all of those powerful negative images and redirect them into ones that will help – not hurt – you. That is, to reframe them into something you want. Here’s how it works: First, get somewhere that you won’t be disturbed for about 10-15 minutes. You don’t want phones or friends or family stopping this exercise once you get started or you’ll simply wind up having to start all over again. Sit down in a comfortable place and loosen any tight clothing or shoes. Take a few deep breaths, close your eyes and let your body relax. Muscular tension is going to work against you, so let it go for now. Allow yourself to feel the pain, hurt, frustration, anger or any other emotions that your breakup has caused you. Beginning this feeling process is an important part of the technique. If you’re numb to it, you’re not going to be able to use it to propel you out of the funk! So, as you begin to remember these images you’ll find that you actually start to see, hear, smell, taste and feel them coming back to life. You’re reliving them again in your mind. Now, let’s take the first active step. Notice how bright and loud and colorful and pronounced all of these images are? Ok, let’s dial them down a bit. Turn down the brightness of the image in your mind. Begin to let the color of it fade and turn down the volume until it’s just a weird muted mumble. Watch the image fade to black-and-white and then let it go out of focus. Just imagine your experience of the event and the person themselves fading out; not away however, just out. Check your emotions now. Are you less anxious, hurt, angry, etc.? Of course you are. That’s the key. Next, let’s take that moving dull, black-and-white, muted image and let it slowly recede into the background. Watch the image get smaller and smaller as it moves away from you.
Notice how your emotional experience is also getting smaller as this happens? Great, you’re on your way.
Next, imagine the image flying over your head and behind you. When you turn around to see it (again, in your mind) it hides behind you. Note again how it seems so far away now – it’s almost a distant memory, and so is your emotion of it. Now, let that image go shooting up into the sky. Watch it as it travels right out of the atmosphere toward the sun, gaining speed as it flies. Finally, it hits the sun and creates a beautiful burst of color as it simply burns up and is gone. Take a moment to enjoy the image. Now, come back to your emotions (forget the image now) and notice how you feel free and relieved of the image, and for that matter, of all those negative emotions themselves? Let’s turn that up next. Allow yourself to really FEEL that relief. Enjoy how it feels to be free of that image. In fact, this is your reward for having done this exercise so well! Enjoy it and turn it up. If you can add a picture or sound to that feeling do so now and turn those up as well. Let the colors and tones intensify to create even greater pleasure and relief. Take a few moments to revel in this and when you’re done, take a deep breath and open your eyes. Now, just realize that you’re done and ready to get back onto your day. Keep in mind that one practice session isn’t going to remove all of this for you. You’ve likely been over the event you’re trying to eliminate hundreds of times. The good news however is that; if you do this exercise every day, 2-3 times a day, you’re going to find that within a week much of your emotional tie to it is fading. Within 2-3 weeks, it will be all but gone. This will be a good time to start looking at your relationship goals again – or writing them out for the first time. Part of healing is getting started on the next chapter of your life. Don’t just float – get going! Best regards… ------------------------------------------------------------------ Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
Feb. 4, 2009 12:05 PM -
2 comments
- [ post comment ] Normal0falsefalsefalseMicrosoftInternetExplorer4/* Style Definitions */table.MsoNormalTable{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;mso-style-noshow:yes;mso-style-parent:"";mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;mso-para-margin:0in;mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;mso-pagination:widow-orphan;font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:#0400;mso-fareast-language:#0400;mso-bidi-language:#0400;} Hi Dr. Neder: My problem is that I don’t want to play the dating game and I don’t know how to avoid it. I’m not interested in the type of relationship that’s a sort of fragile peace treaty after a war of conquest. When I consider what’s involved in the dating game—deception to up each person’s perceived social value, rudeness/flakiness to increase hype or show lack of desperation—I think such behaviors provide a terrible basis for a relationship. The relationship I would like, instead, is one of a successful road trip. Perhaps conventional gender roles would dictate that I be the accelerator and she, brakes. Or, the roles could be shared differently. The point, however, is that shared roles would contribute synergistically to a successful relationship (partnership). I am in my late twenties and dated five girls in the last year, each between 1-3 dates. I usually start with great first dates: fluid conversations, dilated pupils, increased smiling, and some mirroring of my speech patterns, posture, and/or other gestures, etc. Three of them suggested we meet again even before the date had ended. After that, it’s as if they’re all struck with amnesia, also becoming flaky or otherwise difficult to reach. Subsequently, a week or two of hide-and-go-seek ensues and I’ve lost interest. How do I be direct with a girl about not wanting to play mind games without it sounding like an ultimatum? How do I convey to her that honesty and directness are appreciated, without her feeling desperate or slutty for doing so? Finally, what are some outwardly observable attributes that I can look for in a woman as predictors of empathy, intellect, and creativity? A round butt and cleavage are poor predictors of the more important qualities I look for in a woman. (I don’t know why it took me so long to realize this!) Any insight is appreciated. Hello! Yes, I fully understand what you're saying here. Wouldn't it be great if you didn't have to play all these dumb games with women and could get right to the things we all want? Here's the problem however: these rules of engagement were here long, long before I arrived. I wish that women didn't think they needed all this crap, but in reality, much of it is pre-wired into them. I try to help them see they don't need it with us guys (and frankly, this is exactly what keeps them from understanding us; making us seem "complicated" to them - their own wiring toward these things!) but in fact, you're not going to fight millions of years of evolution! The key is to become a better player of these games than the girls are (I can already hear the girls reading this gasp!) In fact, if you can out-game them, you can get past their own needs for the games right up front and get to the normalized, easy, fun relationship building you want much more quickly - and with her total and complete acceptance. The problem is four-fold: 1) (As I've already said) much of these games are pre-wired into women. They need to see that you can play it in order to move to the next level with you. Their own evolution requires at least some of it. 2) Very few men (especially today) actually understand how these games work, know the rules, know the moves, etc., and thus wind up getting their teeth kicked in. 3) Unlike you, very few men even know what questions to ask; thus, when they see/hear the answers, they don't know what to do with them. Some of the guys will try them out anyway and actually start seeing the success they want, but in reality, this isn't even most guys. 4) I can't possibly train you in all of this via one or even one hundred of these messages. The good news however is that I don't have to! It's all contained in my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" and you can discover it all in just a few weeks of study. The books go into many things, but by far the most important is that they talk about these games - what they are, why they exist, how most men react to them and how you should react to them instead. They also go into all the short cuts you're looking for. Women are really amazing creatures. If you're enough of a man (and can communicate that to the women you date) you'll be able to lead them right past all of this craziness into where you want things to go - and the women will absolutely love you for it. That's because deep down, they don't want to have to play these games with you any more than you want to be played! The challenge comes in learning how to be that man, what the games are and how to deal with them along the way. You also need to understand that some of these games, (like "The Test") you CAN NOT get around or avoid - EVER. You're going to HAVE to deal with The Test in every single relationship you ever encounter. Thus, don't wish or hope or even try to slip past it. Learn instead how to recognize and then vanquish it. If you do this, you'll instantly become the men that women read about in their own porn: romance novels. Because of all of this, I'm afraid your questions are misdirected. You're looking for a way around the games rather than doing what any woman will absolutely demand of you: plowing right through them. You're not going to find that path around, so stop right now looking for it. As to your last question, interestingly, the very fact that these women ARE playing these games with you shows their hand. Trust me on this: they won't bother playing them with guys they aren't interested in. It's just as much work for them as it is for you! As I said before, learn the games, learn the counter moves and play the game better than any woman you meet can. Then, (to usurp Rudyard Kipling:) "Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!" ..and will have the sorts of easy relationships you really want to have, with the sorts of women you really want to be with. Best regards… ------------------------------------------------------------------ Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
Jan. 15, 2009 11:38 AM -
0 comments
- [ post comment ] Dr. Neder: I've been dating a guy for 6 months. We were inseparable we spend loads of time together. We get along fantastic our families love each other. There is one big problem. I had to move back to the town I'm from which is where he lives. I noticed that he didn't want me in his home when he isn't home. He stated that he trusted me just not used to being in a relationship seriously with someone. Says I'm his first real relationship and he doesn't want anyone snooping through his things. (an insult at best) So when I stay over and he leaves 5 or 6 am sometimes on the weekends I have to get up and leave. I needed to stay with him for a week before my apartment was ready and I had to wait for him to come home from work before I got indoors. Some nights I was in school so it was ok, but as you should know it took a toll on me. I finally moved into my own place. The last straw was when I spent the night over he didn't have to work but woke me up in the cold and rain to take him to the Laundromat. He knows he can drive my car to do something like that but he wanted me to come because of his issues. I have let this man use my car to visit his sick mom in the hospital but had to stop because of his unfairness. I feel bad but my car has nothing to do with him seeing his mom. Anyway once I took him to the Laundromat I got so pissed at him (add the cold rain and me looking a mess early in the morning) that I left. Then I thought about it and went back to get him. He was upset and said someone else was going to pick him up. I met him at the house and asked for my things, but he ignored me. The next week I told him I just wanted my spare remote car key. He stated "I don't understand you I've been working hard to give you a good x-mas and you do this!" I know its true because he always buys me gifts and already started x-mas shopping for me. I responded that I love the gifts but my dignity and self respect means more to me. He said he'd give it to me on 12/09 his next day off. On Monday 12/8 I got a text from him saying that he can't give me the key on the 9th it has to be the 14 because he has to work, which is crap because we're together all the time work or no work. I suggested the mail once but I just let it go and told him whenever he's ready is fine. I feel so deeply for him but I feel undignified when made to leave his house it is such a big inconvenience for me. I don't need a key and full access. I respect his privacy but I have to respect myself. I'm prepared to break up but I don't want to. Hello! I know exactly why he's doing this. There are a few so-called "experts" that recommend this very specific thing. He's been listening to their "advice" and doesn't realize that for them, it's about entertainment - NOT practical life coaching. These entertainers (and one in particular) use this shtick to address their target markets and do so extremely well, I might add. The problem is that it's just that: shtick. Many guys don't get that and actually buy into it 110%. I have to chuckle a little about this however. No offense, but let's be absolutely realistic here: over time, if you absolutely knew that you wouldn't be caught and especially considering your current insecurities (probably somewhat reasonable, I might add), wouldn't you snoop a little? Of course you would. Every woman would; so at least on that front, he's right. My bigger concern is with his need for absolutely privacy - and his unreasonable demands to get it. Here's what you need to do: Sit him down and have a talk about this. Explain to him that in order for your relationship to grow (rather than decline) he's going to have to get over this fear. Yes, you understand it and you're not going to discuss whether it's reasonable or not; simply that normal, healthy couples don't have these sorts of issues between them. You want to have a normal, healthy, mature relationship and none of these expectations on his part are any of that. What that ultimately translates to is that if you and he can't come to an understanding about this, you're going to have to find someone else that wants the same things you do. Remember: you're not his counselor, you're his girlfriend. You're not here to make up for his past insecurities or whether his mommy hugged him too little or too much. He's an adult now and has to deal with adult things if he wants an adult life. You can't make him do this, but he needs to open his eyes about it and realize what he loses - and will continue to lose - if he doesn't get this problem handled. If he can't do that, you're going to need to reconsider what you want and if you can get it through this relationship. If you might even show him this letter from an unbiased (huh?) third party if you think it'll open his eyes a little wider. Best regards… ------------------------------------------------------------------ Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
Dec. 17, 2008 1:18 PM -
0 comments
- [ post comment ] Hi Dr. Neder,
I am a 24 year-old med student and cannot find the right woman. I have been told I'm a handsome and outgoing, and my women friends always tell me I'm a catch. I've been involved with a couple women that logically seem like the type I'd like to get involved with, but I never develop any kind of connection with them and end up breaking things off. I feel like I won't be satisfied unless I find the perfect woman, but I have no idea how to go about doing so.
The last girl I really did care for told me I was a hopeless romantic, and I think she was right. Problem is, it's been awhile since I met someone that brought out that side of me. School takes up a lot of my time, so the only time I really dedicate to meeting new people is out at bars with friends. I rarely find someone I like at the bar, and if I do they seem to assume I'm a creep when all I'm trying to do is be friendly.
I don't have the time to take another class with women or volunteer or anything, so what do I do?
==========================
Hello!
This is an excellent question! Don't feel alone here at all. Many, many people feel this way. It can seem overwhelming, but in fact, it's really only 3 different issues:
1) Goals
2) The Game
3) Time management
Let me deal with each one of them separately:
1) Goals
I know you don't have any properly-written relationship goals. How do I know this? Simple: if you did, you'd be meeting women all over the place that match them. The problem with these sorts of goals is that they take time and effort to put together. However, I'm going to show you in the last section how to make this time. In short, you need to spend quality time defining not only the "perfect woman" for yourself (and don't assume you already know who she is - you likely don't yet) but what the "perfect relationship" is for you too.
Consider this: you're in med school. I was in med school as well so I know what sort of time constraint you're under. However, by setting these goals properly, you'll actually INCREASE your time to find the right women. That makes it more than worthwhile to do.
You see, if you have no properly-written goals, every woman that passes you by is the "right one" simply because they match what you have - nothing.
To create these goals, you first need to find a hidden sanctuary away from phones and other distractions. Begin by listing every possible thing you can think of about your "perfect woman": her looks, her hair color, her eyes, her body, her height and weight, her background, her family, her job, her education, her political views, her interest in children and pets, and every other single thing you can image.
As you can see, this list gets very large very quickly - and that's the point!
Next, do the same thing to describe your "perfect relationship" with this woman. Imagine how you'll live, where you'll live, who your friends will be, what you'll do for fun, how you'll spend your time together, your sex, your communication, etc., etc., etc. Be absolutely complete here.
After you're done with these things, go back to each item you've written and give it a rating: "1-Absolutely must have", "2-Nice to have but not critical", "3-Not important" and "4-Must not have". Once you've done this, you'll have programmed your mind to find the "perfect women" for you - and trust me, they are all over the place!
2) Your Game
The "game" is all about meeting these women. You've had very little success in bars and there's a reason for that. You don't have any "bar game". Whereas you walk into a bar and find people that want to be polite, but that aren't interested in you, I find all sorts of targets that can hardly wait to get their numbers into my hands and to see me again - many that same night.
What's the difference? Simple: I know how to work "the game" to build attraction out of rapport and connection. Unfortunately, the reality is that bars and clubs (and for that matter, the internet) are lousy ways for most men to meet women. You need a special game to make these work for you. You can certainly learn to be successful in these venues however, but you don't have to unless you want to.
The reality is that great women are EVERYWHERE. The problem (again) is that you don't have your game in your back pocket to be able to walk right up to some women you see and build quick, powerful connection with her. As soon as you learn these easy skills, you'll have all the play you can handle - and with the right women!
3) Time Management
I just did a show on exactly this last week.
The fact is that everyone has the same 168 hours in a week. We magically get another 168 hours at the start of every new week, so we often don't use the hours we have efficiently. If you really took stock of your time, you'd find that you have at least 7-10 hours each week to use for "hunting" for the woman (or women) of your dreams. It's true! Let's take just one small example of this:
Do you study when you eat? Most people eat 2-3 meals a day and spend roughly an hour doing it. When you're eating your meal and working on your studies, you're using one hour to do multiple things; in effect, doubling those hours!
There are many things you can combine together to actually get more than 168 hours in a week. I've only touched on these subjects. If you want to get the whole story on each of them in great depth I strongly encourage you to read my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II". Perhaps this is something you can do with your "meal hours"!
The bottom line is that you have the tools to find some really incredible women if you simply use them.
See possibilities, not limitations. You probably have more possibilities than most people do!
Best regards...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the new BAM! TV at http://beingaman.tv.
Copyright (c) 2008, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
Dec. 3, 2008 4:58 PM -
0 comments
- [ post comment ] I’m 33 years old and only had a few relationships in my life. Any women I did date felt like I was settling since I didn’t have the self esteem to get the women I really wanted. I believed very attractive women were too good for me or always interested in some other guy. Looks are not really the problem for me as I’m tall and in shape. I get smiles and second glances from time to time but I just freeze up and only nod hello.
The other day I walked into the bank and a beautiful female teller had that obvious look like “Wow, he's hot!” Then when I tried to start a conversation, the girl was just shy and it didn’t go anywhere. Maybe next time, I’ll get the courage to ask her a question like 'How was your weekend' to get her to talk.
My biggest, twisted problem is when I go out with friends I hope that a girl will come up to me. I try to tell myself a thousand times that it does NOT work that way. I am more of a mellow, quiet guy, not the life of the party. I am always much more comfortable one on one with people. But when I talk one on one with a pretty woman, I smile a lot, but more in a shy way. Girls may see it as cute, but in a very sweet, little brother type of way. A lot of times a girl would seem interested at first, and after knowing me a little, they would say, "He's harmless", and feel they could have me anytime if they wanted to.
Anyway, I just really want to develop and portray more masculine energy and confidence in myself. I don’t want to come off as passive or weak. I’m so tired of being so intimidated by attractive women and I’m going to do something about it if it kills me. I’m not getting any younger! These other guys out there are no better than me, their just more relaxed and more experienced. I do go to the gym which helps with my overall confidence and maintain positive energy. Anyway, what advice can you give as far as working on myself?
Thanks for your input!
===========================
Hello!
I couldn't be more pleased to hear that you're fed up with the life you've chosen.
("What did that jackass just say? 'Chosen'? I didn't CHOOSE to be shy!")
Yes, Tony you DID choose it; and stop daydreaming. You've been choosing it for the last 33 years. I think that is long enough, don't you? More on this in a moment.
Let's begin with this, little factoid: In fact, great women WILL approach you, but ONLY if they know you could approach them first if you wanted to! Think about that statement for a bit. I have an e-book on my website entitled "How to Get Women to Approach You" that describes this in great depth, but the very first key is in knowing you could do all the work yourself. This was a real epiphany for me. When I realized this fact, it totally changed my dating life. I have women approaching me all the time when they didn't before! It happened again just last weekend when I was out on a date with another girl for instance.
However...
I also had to learn how to do these things (approach, build attraction, close, etc.) myself FIRST. This, Tony is exactly where you are now; standing at the threshold of the door to that answer. Turn the knob, and let's go inside, shall we?
I said in the beginning that you CHOSE to be shy. That is a fact. Nobody is "born shy" - they come to it from any number of directions; whether it's from over-bearing parents or siblings that tease each other unmercifully or idiot kids at school or being dumped hard by a boy or girlfriend, everyone REACTS to those things; in by the very reaction, chooses one path or the other.
Now, you're choosing a different path.
Let's talk about being shy for a moment. Think about this: you're not shy all the time, are you? Of course not, nobody ever is! There are many times when you're bold and confident. Likewise, I get letters from people all the time that ask me how to be confident. They get the same answer you're getting now: nobody is confident all the time either. Instead, you get to borrow it any time you want it!
Both of these are choices, and you're soon going to realize that you can CHOOSE to be confident any damn time you want!
("Shit! Could it really be this easy, or is this doctor guy just blowing smoke up my ass?")
Tony! Pay attention in class and stop daydreaming!!
Yes, it can really be that easy.
Almost.
There is a key you're missing in order to start building that confidence. Think about the times when you feel confident. What's the difference between them and the times when you don't feel confident? It all boils down to one answer: knowledge; more specifically: education.
You feel most confident when you're in situations where you know the subject or situation itself very, very well. This is called "confidence through familiarity".
When you walked into the bank and saw that pretty girl, you were "out of your element." Let's say instead that you worked there and were that girl's boss. Would you still have felt as shy? Of course not.
That is true in every situation you've ever been in.
("I hate people that think they know everything!")
TONY!!! Stop wondering and stay with me here...
When you know exactly how to walk up to a girl and draw HER out of her shyness; when you know exactly how to speak to her to build rapport and connection; when you no longer worry about whether she's attracted to you or not because you can BUILD that attraction any time and to any level you want; do you really think you'll still be shy around pretty girls?
Of course not!!
So, there it is. All you need is some education. I suggest you get started because the bell has already rung and you're already late for class. Go check out my websites (http://beingaman.com and http://beingaman.tv) and get started on building that knowledge base. There are a ton of resources there - many of them free - from books to CD's to articles to a very active discussion group. As soon as you do, you're instantly solving your shyness problem and replacing it with simple, pure confidence that you pull out any time you want or need it.
The challenge however is just getting started doing it. So, don't be challenged or shy any more: DO SOMETHING!
Best regards...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the new BAM! TV at http://beingaman.tv.
Copyright (c) 2008, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
Nov. 5, 2008 10:52 AM -
0 comments
- [ post comment ] Dear Dennis,
Five years ago, I hired this bright, good looking employee. She delivered her results well, and soon moved to an assistant manager position through department assessments. All through, I heard of her 'negativity' and 'attitude', from female managers, and felt this may be female rivalry over her quick ascent and no help she's getting. I held a one-on-one session with her to provide her the feedback and suggest corrective action she could take. She assured me of actions, and also thanked me for the constructive criticism and support.
A few months later, I left that company and moved. That's when it started - calls seeking professional guidance & help, then courtesy calls etc, since she claimed the managers in office were after her job, and asked if I could hire her.
Long and short of it was, I hired her into my new company, even though I was cautioned about her attitude by the HR manager. Regardless, she was soon moving up, though now she started some controlling behavior with me - at times contradicting me etc. I did not really care much, because I'm as it is quite a dry, tough manager and I found her ability to tell me honestly why she doesn't agree with me helpful.
We work well together, however our relationship is now much worse - she says she loves me, and treats me in blow hot-blow cold ways. A few months ago, at an office party, she asked me to drop her home, and on the way, we had wonderful sex at her initiative. After a few months of glorious adolescent sex, we both mutually agreed to hold off on sex.
Her behavior towards me became even worse while she continued to excel on all work requirements. She became quite autocratic, even snapping at me a few times in public. People started talking, and so I left that company too, and moved to another city.
However, the relationship (??) continued - she calls constantly and says I'm the one she loves, though she is sleeping with a guy who was her live-in partner earlier, and is now back. She says she doesn’t want him, but me, and at times blows up at me and soon after calls me with apologies and says she is inordinately stressed out.
I looked inside myself, and realized I do love her, but her dismissive treatment to me, made me wonder if this is just a fantasy, and if it had any chances of working out.
To settle my discomfort, and to help her with her career potential, I flew down to meet and talk to her, and set the focus right. However, she avoided meeting me on the 3 days I was there, claiming she was caught up in work. After I left, she called me late at night, to apologize and restated that she loved me. Not only that, she insists on 'helping' me by giving my number to headhunters.
This is driving me nuts - I genuinely care about her professional and personal development and for the loyalty she's shown me. However, a mentoring relationship has tuned sour, and I do not want either of us to be harmed.
We both are in a negative and destructive pattern, and I need advice and help with this. Is it better for me to break off cruelly and completely? Does she really love me - with all the blow hot, blow cold talk and actions - as I do not have anyone in my life? More importantly, how can I help her in a constructive way, so that both of us can move ahead?
Thanks!
==================
Hello!
Something you probably don't know is that her abusive reactions to you personally and professionally were very likely due to you being a bureaucrat instead of bringing strong, masculine (sexual) energy to your relationship with her. Frankly, this is a pretty common reaction. It takes a number of forms such as the one you're experiencing, nagging, constant challenges and a thing I call "The Test", but whatever the result, we can usually track it right back to the lack of masculine energy.
The one thing I don't see here is what you want. You've told me all the facts in a rather cold, specific, bureaucratic way, but I don't see you or your wants in here at all. This is also exactly what she's reacting to. You seem willing to run away from the problems rather than confronting them head-on and dealing with them from the point of your own needs.
If you want to build something with her show some emotion already! Give her something to work with, but be comfortable directing whatever that is. You don't have to run your relationship like a department. You can craft it to fit exactly what you want by giving her what she needs. That masculine energy I spoke of early is exactly this! First, you decide exactly what you want and then you tell her so. This is your right - and position - as the male in the relationship.
Do you know the difference between discipline and punishment? If not, go look them up. The subtle difference is an important key here. She wants you to structure things and "correct" those that don't match your clear, specific goals for your relationship with her. The reason for this is simple: women want to feel love, but in order to feel love they have to first feel safe and secure. Bureaucracy is cold, but leadership is warm and sometimes even fuzzy.
On the other hand, if you're goal is simply to solve this problem and move on, you need to lay that on the line instead. Tell her that you're no longer available to her and to stop calling or texting or emailing or whatever.
In either case, know specifically what you want and be clear about communicating it.
Best regards...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the new BAM! TV at http://beingaman.tv.
Copyright (c) 2008, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
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