Beware the PUA myths
Dec. 16, 2007 3:20 PM - [ post comment ] Beware the PUA myths
Many of you who are new to "Pick up" (and we will seldom use that
term here) or seduction, doubtless will come across a great deal of
material on the internet on the subject of pick up, attraction or
seduction. Most of this material will offer free newsletters as a
lead on to purchase PUA materials or to attend a seminar.
Almost all of these materials DO have some value and a few have a
great deal of value. And while we do not support, endorse or promote
anyone's material, (although we do suggest EVERYONE read the Art of
Seduction by Robert Greene. This a scholarly work that is both fun
to read and critically important for you to get an understanding of
what seduction is all about) we do suggest that you peruse all of it
you can in order to get a fix on the foundational substance
of "Game" theory and gauge the nature of the material out here.
Having said that, we also suggest you learn quickly to look at much
of this stuff for what it is: promotional materials designed to get
you excited about buying the whole package. To that end, a lot of
what these so called PUA gurus tell you and sell you borders on the
overly simplistic and optimistic. Indeed some of it is akin to what
the old patent medicine snake oil salesmen promoted: shear lunacy.
Many of the Pick Up gurus are selling a boat load of dreams and
nonsense. In an effort to nicely package something that YOU will
buy, they promise you results that are either unrealistic, teach you
methods that only work in a microcosm of their own design, and vend
products that may ultimately lead you to frustration and pain.
We stress again that we are NOT suggesting that you don't read or
review these materials. To the contrary, we encourage you to. In
fact, much of what you will see on this site parrots SOME of what
the PUA gurus sell. What we also suggest, however, is that you view
the PUA materials with a critical eye and an open mind, so as to not
fall into the PUA Guru big lies and or waste a great deal of money
on systems that don't work and/or indeed cannot work.
To assist you in that, we offer the following commentary on some of
these materials and the myths they present. Caveat: few PUA gurus
will say EXACTLY what the myths we outline say-although some will.
But most will market their materials in a manner that shouts out the
myth, but upon closer reading it becomes evident that they are
really selling a totally different notion, something you find out
after you purchase; a PUA bait and switch, so to speak. But at any
rate, as you peruse their material, keep these myth busting ideas in
mind, and keep a very jaundice eye!
Myth 1: in order to be successful in seduction, you must be able to
get one night stands
The one night stand is the Holy Grail of pick up; it is the zenith
of seduction, a major accomplishment in the PUA guru way of
thinking. In fact, there is one PUA guru (actually several) who
suggests that the one night stand is ALL you should be doing, and
that if you learn his method, you will be able to pick up just about
any woman you meet for a one night stand. To this we say: Bull.
Remember the expression: getting lucky? What we are teaching here,
the theory we subscribe to, is that seduction can be learned so that
it has nothing, or little, to do with "luck". And the one night
stand, by and large, has EVERYTHING to do with luck. To be sure,
there is some skill in getting a one night stand, and some guys have
perfected those skills, but not everyone can get a one night stand
and certainly not with every woman you meet.
Think about it: in order for you to get a one night stand, you have
to meet someone who is willing to not only talk to you, share a
number with you, make out with you, go home (or to a motel) with
you, have intercourse with you, an absolute, total, never seen
before stranger. A woman would have to develop not only SERIOUS
attraction for you, but also would have to have extreme, VERY
SERIOUS trust in you. Can it be done? Of course it can. Can it be
done all the time, by anybody with any woman? No, of course not. Can
you predictably use methods to induce a woman to trust you enough to
go this route with you at will? No
Look, truth be known, most women will not sleep with a guy she just
met. It's that simple. Despite our James Bond fantasies to the
contrary, most women just aren't going to trust a man, any man,
enough to go home and to bed with him, a total stranger, at first
meeting. Aside from the clear social stigma that women still feel,
even in this day and age, there is the just plain fear that you may
be a serial killer, the "so why would I walk out of here with this
guy?", analysis will almost always kick in for a woman. Yes, she may
give it to you the following day. She may the following week. She
might do it in a week or so, but the fact is MOST women will not
just go home AND have sex with you upon first meeting.
The other reason for this was talked about in the Girl Mind posting:
process versus results. Recall (and if you have not read that
posting, do so post haste) women think in terms of process. They
love "processes" while we men think in terms of results. We are
concerned about the goal itself and not so much about the way we get
there: the process, or HOW we get there, be damned. One night stands
call for very little in the way of process, as is true for the
quickie, hit it and quit it. When a woman gives it up quickly, she
has given up the "best" part of the interaction, which is the best
part for her: the process.
So why is this so important to the budding seducer? Because if you
are exchanging your weak woman seducing skills for a new, stronger
set of skills, and you are reading the plethora of stuff on the
internet about pick up, etc, and you are reading testimonials about
how some person used a certain system to sleep with several women on
the first date, first meet, first interaction, then you are bound to
feel inadequate if you are not doing the same. And if you feel too
inadequate, you will NEVER build the level of confidence you need to
be a world class seducer: And why? Because some PUA marketer threw
out a brass ring, some snake oil and a fake testimonial for you to
read.
Fact is, what most of the "one night stand" PUA gurus teach, either
inadvertently or otherwise, is the skill of finding a woman who will
spend the night with you on first meeting (not a bad skill all in
all, but a limited skill) and saying the right things to such a
woman to get her back to your place. More specifically, they teach
you how not to say or do the wrong thing..
Fact is there is NOTHING anyone can teach you, be that "trance
words", NLP, seduction logic, Cocky funny, or anything else, that
will get a woman who is not so inclined in the first place, to sleep
with you as a total stranger upon first meeting.
Don't fret the lack of the one night stand, especially if you are
just learning the art of seduction, pick up, interaction or
whatever.
Myth 2: Anybody using the right materials can pick up anybody: This
myth is the utopian lie that PUA marketers sell you in their "come-
ons" to get you to buy their materials. After you have bought the
materials, you read the caveats, qualifications, and clarifications,
to this broad generalization. Fact is, most PUA gurus eventually let
on that not everyone can "pull" the super-model hottie. But they
don't tell you this until after you have purchased either their
seminar or E-book. To their credit, certain PUA Gurus do admit the
fallacy of this myth. Good for them. But many more do not.
There are numerous factors involved in a woman's "choice" about whom
she deals with. There are some Gurus out here who will have you
believe that having a certain attitude, saying certain words,
reciting certain patterns, wearing certain garb will blow away all
resistance and the choice factor. They suggest that if you do
certain things, she will simply just not be able to resist you. She
will be all over you. That just isn't the truth. No one, not even
the greatest seducers in history, is able to seduce every woman they
target. A woman in a truly happy marriage/relationship, for
instance, is not going to go there with you; a woman, who is totally
NOT interested in meeting someone, a friend, or lover, is not going
to succumb to you. A woman who has certain set physical notions
about the man she dates is, generally, not going to succumb to you
if you do not meet those expectations.
The "looks" expectation is of course a "money" topic for the PUA
marketers: almost all PUA materials rely on men's' lack of self
esteem to sell their product. Yes you heard it, let's admit it; men
have self esteem issues too, not just women, about which more
later.
And almost all such material talks about how in pick up, looks don't
matter (about which, more later, too). It thus relies on the fact
that those of us who have been rejected, shot down, beat up on by
women for years will, whether or not we want to admit it, eventually
look in the mirror and say to ourselves "it must be that I am not
Brad Pitt handsome, how unfair the world is". The paradox is that so
much of the PUA material talks about how women, even the most
beautiful ones, have low self esteem and teaches methods that at
least in part, "takes advantage" of this alleged fact. This is one
of the dirty little secrets of PUA material marketing. Actually, it
is two dirty little secrets: one, that it the marketing takes
advantage of men's self esteems issues and two, that men, have such
issues. We certainly won't admit to having such issues while sitting
around a bar with the guys. But we do admit it to ourselves at some
level or another.
Thus, if someone markets to men a "proven system", that works
regardless of our looks, but not only works, but works on the
hottest of hot women, all hot women that is, of course we are going
to snap it right up and buy it. Truth is, no such system exists or
can exist. Most women, despite what they may say, have expectations
about looks. And not just that the guy MUST be model handsome, but
other things factor in. If she is 5-7, for instance, her requirement
that he must be taller than she, especially if she factors in how
tall she is in heels-as women will do, may be, and probably is
inalterable, no matter what you say to her. Chances are, you will
NOT get by the initiation stage. Again, it is not just about good
looks here. It's about the woman's preference. She may only date
rockers: if you look more like a preppie, forget about it. She may
love bikers, but if you look like a California surf guy, you don't
stand a chance, and so forth and so on.
Yes, you can blast through some of these preference issues some of
the time. Yes, plenty of short portly men have hot tall super model-
looking wives and girlfriends. Yes, to all of this and more, but
generally, those preferences are going to rule and no pick up
material will get you by a woman with them. Same is true for a
plethora of other issues ranging from job types (some women just
wont date a blue collar guy, some wont date a "stuffy" executive,
some want only a pro athlete, etc).
Are we suggesting that you don't go after a hotter than hot woman? A
woman who says she only dates a certain type of guy? Certainly that
is NOT what we are saying. What we are saying is that one should be
mindful of these preferences, once they are determined, and NOT feel
frustration if you cannot get past them. Its not you, it's her. The
PUA Gurus would have you believe that you must be doing something
wrong. That is, if you bought their materials, did their routines,
learned their canned patter and attitudes, and still did not get
anywhere with that woman, something was wrong with your delivery,
your inner game, the word order you used, or something else in the
litany of things PUA Gurus tell you that you need to be mindful of
when approaching and seducing a woman.
Again, we say to that: poppycock. Approach any woman any time. If
she has "preferences" say to yourself "so noted" and continue the
seduction process. But if you can't get by that preference wall,
don't feel badly. It is not your fault she has shallow, base
criteria that has nothing to do with anything. And don't feel as if
you lack some skill set or ability because you were not successful
with her. Similarly, a whole slue of issues may keep her from being
interested in getting interested in you, none of which may have
anything to do with you. No matter how skilled you are in seduction,
pick up, attraction or whatever, there may be nothing you can do
about these issues. Move on. But don't feel as if it is necessarily
related to anything about you. Again: its not you it's her.
Myth 3: Looks don't matter: There is good news and bad news on this
one. Despite what some PUA gurus- and many, many women- will tell
you, looks do matter. Some PUA gurus, admittedly not all, but some,
will have you believe that a woman can succumb to you no matter what
you look like if you know their method. They say things like women
cannot help but be attracted to a man who says and does certain
things; usually those things that they are selling you in their
books and courses: Garbage.
Truth is, women like good looking men. The further truth is if you
are good looking, you will potentially have an easier time meeting
and seducing women than if you are not. The additional truth is,
some women will not date a man who she finds physically unattractive
or not up to par on the physical attraction meter. No matter what
line you use or what you say or do, if you do not meet certain
women's physical criteria, you will not win them over... It's that
simple.
Now the good news: women define good looks and react to physical
qualities much differently from us men, thank God. We men tend to
look at a good looking woman as just that: a good looking woman. She
either is or isn't. And while what she wears, how she carries
herself has some import to us, these things carry not nearly the
same importance with us men as they do with women; again, thank God.
We return to the notion of women being processed oriented
Details in dress, fashion AND, true to what the PUAs say,
attitude as manifested by your physical demeanor, the way you walk,
the way you stand, even the way you speak, will help you "look
good" to a woman, even if their visceral reaction is subconscious.
You can transmute, by dress process, some of the process experiences
women want to have. Thus, you can look like a dangerous rocker
(excitement), a bad boy (more excitement), or a prosperous
businessman (portraying security and success) in the way you dress
and in the way you carry yourself. You can also fine tune details in
your grooming and dress that will put you far ahead of what most men
do, that will make you stand out from the pack, and make
yourself "good looking" by comparison. One of the Deep Seduction
drills you will learn is observing the competition: spending a day
or so observing MEN not women. Examining how men dress; the way they
carry themselves; who "ordinary" and not so ordinary guys are with.
This drill, to be discussed in later postings, is very instructive
and revealing.
Women read a lot into the way we dress, in finite details. This may
be less true the younger the woman is, but as she matures so will
her fashion interest/taste. And in matters such as fashion and
putting together a "look" women mature MUCH faster than we do. Many
guys still wear looks that were cool (and not to mention damn
comfortable!) when they were in their teens and early twenties, well
into their late twenties and thirties, while their ladies EF (Eye
Fornicate) the guy who might be a tad older, but dressed in a style
SHE now likes. That is not to suggest that all women will eventually
want a GQ model looking guy. But all women, no matter what look they
like-biker, surfer, preppie, post modern chic, whatever- will expect
(desire) you to carry off some look with aplomb and attention to
details And when you do, your "looks" factor will increase
precipitously.
Again, since most of us are no Messrs Pitt and Clooney, we are lucky
that women will find themselves interested in and attracted to us
lesser beings who can pull off good grooming, great fashion taste
and bad ass attitude, all of which is and will be discussed at this
site. The other thing we ALL can do is work on our bodies. Women
love a nice body. I recently read an online PUA article where a PUA
Guru talked about his friend who weight 300 pounds and was one of
the best PUAs he ever knew. I believe that. It can happen. But you
better believe that such is rare. Same goes for the skinny, scrawny
guy; the guy who looks like a slob; the guy with the really bad
haircut; the guy who you can tell what he ate all week for lunch by
examining his tie; the guy….well you get the idea.
Looks DO matter; a lot. Many PUA gurus recognize and promote this.
Many do, but only after you buy their material; beforehand, their
hyped up marketing says LOOKS DON'T MATTER. Others will tell you
that you can hypnotize women, or buy pheromones that will magically
attract women (pick up "Viagra" I call these and other claims).
These claims are just outright hokum and rip offs. Don't waste your
time and money on such garbage. Learn how to dress stylishly, with
flair and get your body in shape. Not just for picking up women, but
believe me, you will feel better, live longer and have a great time
with the ladies in the process.
Myth 4: Similar to myth 1: all seductions can and should be done
quickly.
When I first started to get interested in improving my skills at
seduction, I read tons of material on the web about pick up and
attraction. One thing I noticed about much of this material is the
premium it placed on picking up women quickly and in the most
awkward situations imaginable. In addition to the weight of the
material being focused on bars and nightclub pick ups, much of it
also talked about picking up women in elevators, on street corners,
in shops, just about anywhere. In almost all the scenarios in these
materials, the pick up was accomplished in minutes: that is, getting
the woman's number (number closing its called) in a matter of
minutes after first meeting her by using various routines and
patterns (for an explanation of patterns and routines, check out
Fastseduction.com).
While there is certainly nothing wrong with quickly meeting and
getting a woman's phone number, the over-emphasis on such
interactions in the dating and seduction materials leaves the false
perception that this is the ONLY, and the best way to go. It is not.
In fact, by emphasizing the quick pick up, these materials
contradict one of the primary tenets of developing inner game (or
confidence) that the Deep Seduction community and the pick up
community agree on. That is, that YOU must understand that a woman's
good looks do not necessarily equate to a good personality worthy of
your efforts. In other words, just because she is drop dead gorgeous
does NOT mean you want to sleep with her, and certainly doesn't mean
you want any kind of deeper relationship with her. This, assumption
begs the question: why are you interested in that beautiful woman at
the bar, club, on the train, etc, anyway? You are ONLY interested in
her because she is good looking. You know nothing about her
personality, likes, dislikes, attitudes, sexual or any other
abilities. You don't know if she is worthy of YOUR attention. And
YOUR attention has a great deal of value. You have to believe that
as a starting point of inner-game (or at least one of the starting
points). So why would it be important that you be able to walk up to
this woman and begin the seduction process? Truth is it isn't. It
may be fun to be able to do that-and you should develop enough
skills such that should you want to, you will be able to start
interacting with any beautiful woman at the spur of the moment, or
anyone in general- but it is not now, in the beginning of your
transition, a necessary imperative, nor is it ever the ONLY
measuring stick by which you gauge your ability as a seducer.
A better road to take in the beginning at least is to develop this
ability along with the general ability to meet, asses, and initiate
with a woman with whom you may have more long term contact. Thus, we
suggest social networking opportunities (Meetup.com is one, online
dating-albeit tricky, and full of its own issues and dangers- is
another; meeting someone you know from school, work-but beware of
this too- is yet another; someone you see regularly on the train,
bus, or at the Starbucks presents another opportunity for
interaction that is less fraught with anxiety and blind spots, but
offers you an opportunity to ferret out personality traits that
attract you in the first place). Again, ultimately, you will be able
to meet anybody, once you develop inner game. But in the beginning,
the awkward quick pick up is not something you NEED to shoot for.
You can shoot for it, but it is NOT necessary.
Myth 5: Bars and clubs are the best place to accomplish a seduction
Although most pick up gurus will tell you there materials can be
used anywhere on the planet, in school, in church, walking down the
street, almost ALL the emphasis in the material focuses on bar and
club pick ups. The whole field report phenomenon on the pick up
boards, where someone writes in to tell how he did out in "the
field" usually a club or bar, is a prime example of that. And almost
ALL the seminars these days include a field outing, where the pick
up Guru takes out his students "into the field" to "test drive" the
new materials that he just taught them.
This phenomenon is partially due to the success of the book The
Game, where such practices were described in detail. It is also
partially due to plain marketing sensibility: you as a so-called
Guru need to prove all this stuff you taught works; you want to wow
your new students such that they will give you good word of mouth
and certainly wont ask for their money back; so you take them to a
nightclub, where people are drinking, where you may even have
planted a woman or two or three (and yes it happens) where they can
try out their new player skills on real women (or see you as the
Guru do it), many of which are so intoxicated in the first place
(if not an outright plant).
It is also due to the fact that most of the pick up material is
geared toward a younger audience: twenty something's, which frequent
clubs. Many of these poor souls will dish out good money for E-books
and seminars, seem as if they are on game during the field
excursion, but strangely, when they return home and/or try the
materials themselves, it just doesn't work, either in the clubs or
on the street (most guys aren't even going to use the material
anywhere but the clubs, as most will still need liquid courage to
enable them to make a move). Why is that?
Several reasons: first, clubs are horrible places to meet people:
Period. Too noisy, too many drunks; too much competition; women have
significant more attitude at clubs then elsewhere, where many, many
guys there have but one thing on their mind, and will do whatever it
takes (read: buy drinks, foods, etc) to get to where he wants to go.
And as the night wears on, even the ugliest woman in a club gets
attention. This is not to say that you cannot meet women in clubs;
that you cannot have a field day in clubs or that clubs are
inherently bad: by no means. It is to say that the overemphasis
placed on clubs by the PUA community does a disservice to all those
newbies just learning pick up or seduction.
There are so many places better to meet women (bookstores, coffee
shops, social networking clubs, church, school, etc) that will allow
you to have more than a three minute conversation over the noise of
a blaring sound system while some Justin Timberlake wannabe spills
drinks on you. There are other places, much better places, where you
can meet women and have them see your personality, confidence, style
and wit that you will inevitably develop from being a part of this
group. Clubs are NOT the be all and the end all of places to meet a
woman. Never feel badly if you don't feel comfortable amongst the
booze, smoke and loud music. You will learn soon enough the methods
for meeting and attracting women in other easier, quieter,
environments: environments wherein you will be able to get to know
something preliminarily about your would be seducee other than she
is wearing a hot outfit.
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